LETTER TO MY RAPIST

LETTER TO MY RAPIST.

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Hello, I bet you don’t even remember me now or recollect what you did to me around the ages of 7 to 13. You were supposed to be my guide leading me in the way to grow but instead you  were my pain all through my childhood years, my ever present pain. I remember  the first night as clear as day, when you came into my room that night and suddenly started caressing me. I immediately awoke but I was too scared to say anything, too young to understand , too weak to fight, too naive  As you slide your fingers into my underpants and broke my innocence, I guessed you had all the pleasure you wanted but if you noticed, the tears flowed freely from my eyes that night. I cried for the life I had lost,  I cried for the pain you have caused,, I cried for the hate that you have inflicted in me, I cried for myself.

I know I couldn't tell anyone, no one would believe, you  were the best of them all, you were religious, friendly, kind and humorous, I was the only one who knew the truth. I thought you would stop but you didn't , you proceeded to violating me anally. I now know , you did that so I would not get pregnant. I think it was better to get hit by a truck on the highway than having you rape me through my back door. It hurt constantly, I dreaded going to the bathroom, to reduce my frequency, I started eating less, my grades started deteriorating , my friends felt neglected, everything was on a downward spiral and yet you were my protector, my guardian and I wasn't safe in my own home. Eventually  some one in school noticed, and the issue was brought up, I was eventually forced to confess  , it felt like a release but it was ephemeral. I instead got a backlash at home for denting the name of the family, for getting myself in harm’s way, I was stupid enough to believe that it was all  my fault and I felt the right punishment for me was death. I tried to kill myself several times, I cut my wrist, ate rodent poison, took an overdose of drugs, jumped out of a moving car, spent months in plaster of Paris cast. I was then sent away to boarding school and was tagged as a special needs student, it felt good to be away from you. To see the world again, to be able to laugh when things were funny and to smile when people said hello.

Then there was you, my sweet little honey pie,  you said the right things, gave me the kind of attention , I never had, told me I was beautiful and we spent time developing our common interests. For those  three months in fall season (October, November,December)I was a queen. I guessed you were talking to the wrong guys, being influenced by the wrong friends, because all of a sudden you wanted me to repay your kindness. I couldn’t even think of any one touching me in that way,but you persisted, you eventually lured me to your place during the holidays and forced yourself on me. You pushed yourself inside me so hard, it hurt so bad, it was those horrible nights at home all over again, you knew you had killed me because I was wailing so bad with deep groaning that you started consoling me. The mixture of blood and semen on my legs were like poison  eating into my flesh. I severed any connection between you and I and dove back into my self-harming ways. For years afterwards, It felt like you left yourself inside me, I lived everyday like something was still inside me, something foreign , something strange, when I heard about AIDS, I told myself well, that was it, I could feel it inside me, so I got myself tested just to confirm what I already thought I knew. It wasn't AIDS, I wasn't sick. Nothing.

Today I am better, it took a long road to get here, the help of God, a counselor and some really true friends,  I had  to find inner peace and let go of the hurt , pain and shame, I had to forgive and let go of the insecurity. I have a job now, I am drug free and in a beautiful relationship. I walk around with my head high, expecting great things in the new day.


 But to you filling yourself with the thought of taking advantage of me, I don’t know you now but I think it would be better for you to let it stay that way for ever, because this is a new day and I might have to read this letter at your funeral.

                                         Rape Victim's Story



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