September 2014 ~ ElijahForce

Tuesday, 9 September 2014


Letter to the Girl I never called back.
Hello Lady,

I know by now, you must have  been desperately waiting for my call, checking your phone every other minute only to discover , it’s some dumb telemarketer on the phone. Well, I’ve got news for you, stop waiting. The call is never coming, at least not from me. I would not want to tell you the same old story that dick heads tell you, you know, the “it’s me ,not you” excuse. No!, I would be bold enough to out rightly tell you, it’s you.

First of all, I don’t know how much believe you have in online dating but I think you pushed it way too far looking for a life partner. I know it works for a lot of people but for an average fun seeking guy like me, it was a fun seeking adventure and your profile did justice to that, you seemed to be fun giving and adventurous.  Judging by your picture of your visit to Ibiza, I felt you would be as free as a bird. Meeting you changed all that feeling, you literally came with a brush and a canvas to paint the future you wanted right now, picket fence, a house, kids, a cat and some other very random stuff. 

                                 LETTER FROM A WOMANIZER

 I applaud you for that but maybe you should have taken a second look at my profile picture and taken time to read my profile. Nothing serious really meant nothing serious. I wasn’t looking for someone to hold my hand and walk with me into the sunset, I was looking for someone who would be lying naked by my side at sunrise. Someone I would watch and admire as the sunrays through the window kisses her skin while I get ready to go to work, hoping that we could do this some other time. Going to the movies alone can be somewhat boring, and sometimes going with my male friends or co-workers for the 100th time becomes monotonous like working in a cookie cutter factory. I wanted a friend with benefits, no strings attached, no expectations but you came with all the strings, asking me for my responses in certain situations. Nobody wants a date to feel like an Oprah interview, certainly not me.

Secondly, I don’t know if anyone has ever told you but you have a real anger problem, you spent half of the date, picking offenses with all the waiters and even the couple who sat behind you. The waiters were clearly dumb but on a first date it’s not very appropriate to come off as condescending and racist, it just rubbed me wrong and then you wouldn’t shut up about Jamie. Originally I thought Jamie was your close girl friend or God Forbid, your ex but in retrospect I would have preferred that Jamie was either of them and not some hybrid feline. Like I said, I’m allergic to cats, not the clinical kind of allergy but just the logical kind, that just believes cats and humans have nothing to do with each other and I believe cats are pissed that they have become some kind of prop in our narcissistic lives.
I hope you conquer your demons but I wouldn’t want to be any part of that. The reason I’m writing this letter is because I suddenly lost your number with a self-erasing app  that was recently installed on my phone (okay I’m just trying to be civil) and believe me if I run into you and pretend that I didn’t see you. Take good care of yourself and please chop off those bangs, they are hideous.