LETTER TO THE GIRL I NEVER CALLED BACK

Letter to the Girl I never called back.

Hello Lady,

I know by now, you must have  been desperately waiting for my call, checking your phone every other minute only to discover , it’s some dumb telemarketer on the phone. Well, I’ve got news for you, stop waiting. The call is never coming, at least not from me. I would not want to tell you the same old story that dick heads tell you, you know, the “it’s me ,not you” excuse. No!, I would be bold enough to out rightly tell you, it’s you.

First of all, I don’t know how much belief you have in online dating but I think you pushed it way too far looking for a life partner. I know it works for a lot of people but for an average fun seeking guy like me, it was a fun seeking adventure and your profile did justice to that, you seemed to be fun giving and adventurous.  Judging by your picture of your visit to Ibiza, I felt you would be as free as a bird. Meeting you changed all that feeling, you literally came with a brush and a canvas to paint the future you wanted right now, picket fence, a house, kids, a cat and some other very random stuff. 

                                 LETTER FROM A WOMANIZER

 I applaud you for that but maybe you should have taken a second look at my profile picture and taken time to read my profile. Nothing serious really meant nothing serious. I wasn’t looking for someone to hold my hand and walk with me into the sunset, I was looking for someone who would be lying naked by my side at sunrise. Someone I would watch and admire as the sunrays through the window kisses her skin while I get ready to go to work, hoping that we could do this some other time. Going to the movies alone can be somewhat boring, and sometimes going with my male friends or co-workers for the 100^th time becomes monotonous like working in a cookie cutter factory. I wanted a friend with benefits, no strings attached, no expectations but you came with all the strings, asking me for my responses in certain situations. Nobody wants a date to feel like an Oprah interview, certainly not me.

Secondly, I don’t know if anyone has ever told you but you have a real anger problem, you spent half of the date, picking offenses with all the waiters and even the couple who sat behind you. The waiters were clearly dumb but on a first date it’s not very appropriate to come off as condescending and racist, it just rubbed me wrong and then you wouldn’t shut up about Jamie. Originally I thought Jamie was your close girl friend or God Forbid, your ex but in retrospect I would have preferred that Jamie was either of them and not some hybrid feline. Like I said, I’m allergic to cats, not the clinical kind of allergy but just the logical kind, that just believes cats and humans have nothing to do with each other and I believe cats are pissed that they have become some kind of prop in our narcissistic lives.

I hope you conquer your demons but I wouldn’t want to be any part of that. The reason I’m writing this letter is because I suddenly lost your number with a self-erasing app  that was recently installed on my phone (okay I’m just trying to be civil) and believe me if I run into you and pretend that I didn’t see you. Take good care of yourself and please chop off those bangs, they are hideous.

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Make your butt bigger through these sex positions

Making your butt bigger through sex is contestable, and somewhat laughable but still, a lot of people swear by it,  and claim that some sexual positions can help you get a bigger butt. Making your butt bigger through sex is simply exercising your glutes and getting an orgasm alongside well toned and bigger butts.


RELATED: 10 BUTT ENHANCEMENT CREAMS THAT YOU CAN TRY 

Sex in itself is a form of exercise, except you’re laying there like a log of wood while your partner gets at it, doing all the work.  And just like every  other exercise, it is expected to add a little muscle here and there, tone the body and get  you your desired body.

RELATED: HOW TO HAVE SEX

 

 But does sex really make your butt bigger? The answer is yes, but sex is not a ” magic pill” for bigger butts.  As a matter of fact, sex is not going to do half of what typical butt exercises would do. The plus side  however  is  that, after sex with the right person you feel loved, refreshed, exhausted, happy and every other emotion in between whereas after a butt workout, you feel your buns on fire and the more they hurt, the more vain you feel . 

All sex is not sex, so not all sexual positions would make you butt bigger, but here are a few sexual positions that people unanimously agree can add a little bit of junk in the trunk.

                      SETTING UP A HOME GYM WITH LESS THAN $1000

1. The Torrid Triangle.

This is a super-hot remix of the old missionary position. In this position, the giver is on his knees and the wide receiver is at the bottom faced up. The back stays in the air and the head may be supported by a pillow. The receiver controls the thrusts while still giving the giver, the impression that he runs the show . By the power lifting of the receiver’s pelvis, the receiver is placed in charge of the timing and speed of every single thrust and as long as the receiver stays in control, the receiver can also control the depth of penetration. 

This sex position makes the butt bigger for both sexual partners especially the receiver who has to engage the glutes in controlling the thrusts.

The giver  works his  glutes , the hamstrings and abs as well.

2. Reverse Cowgirl:

This is the closest sex position to horseback riding and the reason the mechanical bulls were made. It provides a full workout for the receiver’s butts, abs and arms. Both cowgirl where the partners face each other and reverse cowgirl where the partners face the same direction are very effective for a good body workout as described by commendable sex manuals and can make the receiver’s butt bigger.

 RELATED:                       WAYS TO MAKE YOUR BUTT BIGGER

3. Standing suspension.

This is an actually challenging position for the giver, because he has to do a lot of lifting engaging his core, butt, hamstrings and thighs, the receiver has to work the leg muscles, the glutes and core  when standing on one leg with them facing each other. So apart from the glutes which are worked on a secondary basis, the leg muscles and core are worked hard which helps to shape the butt and in turn make it look bigger.

4. Bridge

This sex position is a good workout for the receiver. Hands on the floor, belly up and the use of the four limbs to hold the body weight off the bed or floor. This sex position would make your butt bigger but it is not for the weak.

Good Luck with this

These are the commonest sex positions to make your butt bigger, however having sex just to make your butt bigger is laughable.

READ

How to grow your butt Naturally Now

The fastest way to guarantee a bigger butt would be to combine all efforts  such as using sex, doing butt exercises and using butt enhancement creams.

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Male Facial

Male Facial

This is the concluding part of the male facial grooming series.

7. CLAY MASK

The greatest challenge of a clay mask for a man is actually getting to put it on and not be seen . Clay masking is something that can be done in 10 minutes early in the morning. Clay is very effective in toxin extraction, it removes dead skin  , unclog pores , extracts excess oil and shine, it also helps cellular regeneration.  A recommended clay mask is Aztec Secrets made of 100% natural calcium bentonite clay. Do not use clay with any additives, fragrances or animal products and definitely do not exercise with a clay mask or sleep with it still on, put on for 10 minutes, meditate, get up and wash it off. No one has to know.

Except you are Micheal Buble , then you can post it on Instagram

8.  SHAVING CREAM

Shave from top to bottom not from the the centre

Using a shaving cream when shaving is as old as time.  Most guys get razor bumps when shaving cream is not used to shave . Gel based shaving cream are the best for preventing stubble from drying out and easing the shaving process by providing a cushion between the skin and the razor. Nivea for Men Q10 Energy Shaving Gel is one of the best shaving creams out there, that is not excessively thick  like some other shaving creams which in turn makes it even more difficult to shave with. It is not advisable to shave daily, it is important to let your facial skin rest  for at least 2 days before shaving again. Shave with three days intervals.

9. AFTER SHAVE

Apply Aftershave, then admire
yourself in the mirror.

After shaves are mainly therapeutic moisturizing treatment  intended to soothe and protect  the facial skin from shaving irritation and razor burn.  After shaves are supposed to be  alcohol free formula  and the good ones such as Baxter of California After Shave Balm, hydrates and nourishes  the facial skin as it combats the serious dryness caused by shaving. It contains  Glycerin and organic silicones combine with soothing aloe and allantoin  and Natural healing ingredients such as tea tree oil and cooling menthol to renew, calm, and condition the facial skin also to  help  reduce shaving irritation. 

10. LIP BALM

One of the major turn offs on a man’s face is chapped lips. Male facials would not be complete or done at all without including a lip balm for smooth , soft  and good looking lips. The skin on the lips is very different from the facial skin because the skin of the lips lacks oil glands to regulate moisture content as well as melanin to shield the sun. These makes the lips naturally susceptible to dryness, cracking and scaling. Use Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Lip Moisturizer

Leave it to Japanese Men to apply lip balm
on the streets.#Someone'snotgettinglaid.

11. SUNSCREEN

During the Summers, a sunscreen might be one of the best accessories for men’s facial skin. The greatest clarion call for sunscreen would be that of Hugh Jackman  who is presently recovering from yet another skin cancer scare. Saying ”Please don’t be foolish like me, get yourself checked and wear sunscreen”. Fact is our environment is constantly polluted way more than it was decades ago and  so the need to protect the facial skin from toxic gases and pollutants has become much more necessary than ever. Jack Black Sun Guard Sunscreen is the most recommended and Bald Guyz Sunscreen is also very good for bald guys.

Now he applies sunscreen indoors.

 12.  FACE TONER

Black heads, dirt and other skin impurities can all be gone with the use of a good toner, primarily on the face.  Toners with salicylic acids like Neutrogena Rapid clear are the most recommended.

In order of priority, here are the male facial treatments, again.

1. Facial wash

2. Moisturizer

3. Sunscreen

4. Lip balm

5. Clay Mask

6. Facial Scrub

7. Pills

8. Facial Toner

9. Shaving Cream

Get that perfect look you always wanted,
you might also need a little
photoshop with all the
the facial treatments 

10. Aftershave

11. Eye cream

12. Male Facial Hair removal

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MALE FACIAL GROOMING

Male Facial Grooming

Looking at a picture of a much older relative (uncle for short) really justified the need for male facial grooming. He had received an  all fresh farm goat milk soap as a Christmas present among other things from his daughter. His face was looking smoother and evenly toned than it normally would, devoid of the sunburn and dark skin patches that had long plagued his face.

Men grooming is an age long practice and male beauty is actually a thing, from as far back as Ancient Greece. Men were expected to put their best face forward, be well groomed and kempt. In Ancient Greece the woman’s body was not liked , it had to be covered, whereas the male  body was considered neat and clean and was put on coins, made as statures and even idolized. In this modern time, the secret to good male facial grooming is “the secret”.

 Men don’t have to fix male facial dates or read cosmopolitan and bitch about their menstrual cycles not being in sync, while their legs are dipped in essential oils water , while still  watching Real house wives that had been DVRed for customers in  the salon.

 Men can simply go online, read shitty blogs like this one and get a DIY Kit and put their best face forward, except of  course, these men are celebrities, then they can simply have their companies handle the  deep frying of their  jerry curls (think  Jermane Jacksun) or they are Queers (Queers always get the pass for everything) or they are queer celebrities.(Hi, Adam Lambert).

How to go about Male Facial Grooming - The 12 Steps of Male Facial Grooming.

Male Facial grooming can be broken down into 12 male facial items, just like the 12 steps of AA.

1. FACE WASH.

Washing your face with typical toilet soaps is like taking paracetamol for every ache and pain, there are products that are specifically made for specific issues and all in one soaps are usually not worth their weight. Good Face wash would moisturize as it cleanses and would not strip the face off natural oils. Cetaphil is the most recommended Face wash, even Pharell Williams the ageless music producer swears by it. He gets happy like a room without a roof with Cetaphil (Endorsement deal booting….). Wash not more than twice a day, morning and night.

Just Look at Him with the CetaPhil Shine.

2. FACIAL SCRUB

Using a Facial Scrub is recommended once or twice a week, preferably weekends, where you can spend a little more time in the bathroom. Channel the masturbation time to facial scrubbing and genital intimate wash. Kyoku for Men Exfoliating Facial Scrub, Alba Botanica Sea Algae Enzyme Scrub and Nivea for Men Energy Face Scrub are the most recommended facial scrub for men. The main job of a facial scrub is exfoliation. Exfoliation is the removal of dead skin cells, blackheads which would in turn free ingrown hairs, prevent blemishes, and remove excess oils. Although these facial scrubs are very effective, exfoliation can also be done with some natural products like Honey and Sugar.

This is why the West has  Higher Water Consumption.

3. MOISTURIZER

The skin is in a constant state of Moisture loss from activities like heat exposure, washing and scrubbing the face. A moisturizer is very important to restore the skin’s moisture content. The positive effects of moisturizing are usually in the long run, when aging starts. Moisturizing would slow down skin aging, which is one of the benefits of male facial grooming. Jack Black Double-Duty Face Moisturizer is about the best moisturizer in the market, Neutrogena Men is also high up in the ranks

That's Kinda too much for just one spot.

4. PILLS

Vitamin E drops are for not only male facial grooming but for improved  overall skin health as it helps fight the effects of sun damage and prevent wrinkles. Vitamin A and C  are also very important. Vitamin A for acne and dry skin prevention and Vitamin C for  improved skin elasticity and strength. The Daily recommended dose for Vitamin A is 900 μg for Men (700 μg for women) while for Vitamin E is 400UI or 15mg and  vitamin  C is 90mg per day. Taking supplements continuously is not advisable, depending on the quality of the supplements, some supplements can lead to toxin build up. Take a break sometimes and get your vitamins naturally. Vitamin A occurs naturally in cereal and milk, Vitamin C in fruits, Vitamin E in Olive Oils and Papaya. Before adding supplements to your daily routine always check with your doctor. You might want to leave out the male facial grooming part.

The more colourful, your supplement rack is , the better.

                                                MALE GENITAL ODOR ELIMINATION

5. EYE CREAM

You might not want to put cucumbers over your eyes while sleeping but you can simply use an eye cream to reduce fine lines, dark circles and wrinkles or what is otherwise known as raccoon eyes which results from excessive drinking and staying up at night. You can simply save the money to be spent on an effective eye cream like Yalmeh super youth eye cream and instead get enough sleep and less alcohol or buy the eye cream and party anyway #YOLO. Dark patches under the eyes can also be as a result of stress,aging and vitamin K deficiency. The dark patches are actually blood vessels beneath the skin due to thinning of the skin layers. The best bet for raccoon eyes would be to double up on vegetables like broccoli, cabbage, cucumber,dark leafy greens and pretty much anything green and tasteless.

Turn down for what? ,Who cares about  Raccoon eyes, Eye cream to the rescue.

6. MALE FACIAL HAIR REMOVAL

A very important step in male facial grooming is male facial hair removal. Male Beauty is largely dependent on beautiful skin with the shape of the head accentuated with facial hair. Having facial hair busting out of every orifice of your face would make you look like a fugitive except of course it is for religious reasons (then you get a pass from your religious community). Brow shaping, beard shaving and styling and nose hair pulling is vital for male facial grooming. You can go to a salon to have your eyebrows pulled out, shaped (you lose masculine points if you  squeal or become teary eyed) or buy yourself a facial hair trimming kit and just do it.

The only way your brows are gonna look
like this

is by doing this.

“Remember you might not be able to fight World Hunger except you have $30 Billion per Year, or end the war in Syria or get the housewives  and kardashians off the air, but you can make the world a better place by being an eye candy and make the day of those who site you.”

                                                                                    Narcissism 101

NEXT  6  STEPS

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Female Genital Odor due to SEX

Female Genital Odor due to Sex

Vaginal Odor can occur as a result of sex. Many times women notice a fishy vagina odor after sex. This may be as a result of  something  called a bacteria vaginosis. This often occurs after unprotected sex

Bacterial vaginosis is as a result of PH imbalance in the vagina due to sex or even pregnancy. The pH of a healthy vagina is between 3.5 to 4.5, meaning “vaginas be acidic”.( Don’t we all already know this?) Semen on the other hand has a pH of 7.1 to 8.0 which is fairly close to the pH of water which is 7.0, Giving  the term ”shooting blanks ” a whole new meaning. Lower semen pH  may be an indication that the vessels of one of the balls is blocked or fried, a higher one means there is an infection. The blanks  which is the semen gets into the vagina and offsets the pH of that rose Garden, turning it into a fish abattoir and having hardwood floors might not even make a difference when it comes to that jizz cream that has turned the world upside down. The fishy odor is as a result of something called animes.

The only time to really worry about bacterial vaginosis is during pregnancy and if you happen to be the one out of the five women who would get this disease . During pregnancy it may lead to miscarriage, low birth weight and pre-term labor. The treatment of vaginal vaginosis is by the administration of antibiotics  or probiotics taken after a doctor must have confirmed the presence of bacterial vaginosis by taking a swab on the vagina.

The most effective ways to get rid of female genital odor still remains

1. Taking your bath regularly paying much attention to washing the genital with soaps that would not disrupt the pH of the vagina. Dry off the genital area giving at least a space of 5 minutes before putting your Black Panties on.

2. Wear cotton underwear and not too tight underwears.

3. Don’t be scared to let your vagina breathe by going commando. A vagina that goes commando regularly always attracts a commando.(Please don’t say this in public). Going to bed without panties would also help the vagina regulate it's PH.

4. Avoid Douching: Douches in some cases , alter the pH of the vagina and turn it into a bacteria breeding ground, same as perfumed and scented tampons. Leave douching to the gays.

5. Use Waterworks instead ,because  the United  States Food and Drug Administration Says so and because you read it on this blog. In waterworks, the flow goes down as against up and down in douches. 

6. Get hardwood floors (remove the furry carpeting). It is literally becoming a crime for which you can go to womanhood Jail for to keep the furry carpet on. Get rid of those pubes. You have enough on your head, seriously
that’s the reason you have been given so much on your head. Any other place is not acceptable. Although, Female genital Odor is way worse than looking like a baboon down there

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