GETTING OVER RAPE

GETTING OVER RAPE

One of the worst things to ever happen to anyone is to be raped. It is rated so, because of all other things such as death of a loved one, accident and failure, it is one of the  few that is really very  difficult to get over. Rape victims are left emotionally and psychologically damaged,  months and indeed years after being physically assaulted.

Rape is an experience that should be missed in a lifetime but as we have come to know, more and more people are falling victim of rape .From lucretia a noblewoman in the ancient roman kingdom who committed suicide after she was raped to tamar in the bible who was raped by her own brother to thousands of young girls in South Africa, Sweden , United states , Congo etc. Rape is as old as time. The most common is male to female rape accounting for about 91% of reported cases, this is followed by male-male rape. A very small fraction accounts for female -male rape and the least common is the female -female rape. If you have ever been raped, here are specific steps to take  in getting over rape , in order  to get your life back. The most detailed  and encompassing definition so far is that given by the FBI of the united states which describes rape as  "The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim."

DURING THE RAPE:

1.Keep Calm: Once there is a penetration and you are obviously too powerless to stop the rapist, then stay calm to minimize your injuries, to minimize the pleasure of the rapist and to calculate.While you should not let a rapist ever get the chance to have a penetration, if such eventually happens, continuously struggling would increase your danger of being hit, or mutilated  In staying calm you might be able to reach out for a plank just waiting there for you to use in knocking the rapist out.

2.Leave a mark: Once penetration has occurred  you have been violated and justice must run it's full course, go ahead and leave a bite mark, a nose scratch, pull out some hair strands. Do this gently without giving the rapist the notion that you are resisting them. This would come in handy as a proof to nail the rapist someday.

3. Wail: Once you have been penetrated, don't let yourself run out of breath, you may seem quiet at first then wail and scream at intervals, interval screams have more effect in alerting attention than a continuous cry which  blends with all the environmental noises and becomes indistinguishable to the listener who is within the range of the rape.

AFTER THE RAPE: This is usually at the time when the rapist has climaxed or tires from the assault.

1. Run: Most of the time, there is a switch of emotions after an assault has taken place. Sometimes the rapist might realize the evil deed and then beg but in some cases, the rapist becomes way more aggressive. The aggression might be as a result of the disappointment in the pleasure expected from the act ,it might also be a form of self hate in which the rapist then blames the victim for their wrongdoing and most often than not, it is to cover up evidence. You have to run,because the worst might not be over. Some rapist have gone ahead to harm the victim with the intention of killing , just to  eradicate all forms of evidence that may be traced back to them.

2.See a doctor: A qualified doctor may be able to get samples to be used as evidence and also help with some contraceptives and antibiotics  Conceiving from a rape or contracting a venereal disease is the last thing any female  victim would want . Why most people advise to wash yourself off immediately, medical practitioners advise you see them first , without eating, drinking, washing, douching or even taking off the clothes in which you were raped . But in cases where there are no doctors to turn to ,  the levonorgestrel pills 1.5 mg, 1g of azithromycin against chlamydia, 400 mg Suprax against gonorrhea, and metronidazole 500 mg twice daily for seven days against trichomoniasis  should be used. You can show this to a pharmacist.

3. Realize the fact that it is not your fault: No matter what any one says to you , you were inappropriately dressed, you shouldn't have been drinking,etc. It is not your fault, there is no excuse good enough to rape another. No excuse at all. You have to constantly tell yourself this, because there are times you would feel like  things could have been different but it hasn't and there  is no use crying over split milk.

4. Plan for Healing: You have to understand that you have been violated and there is bound to be bouts of depression, anger , disgust, shame and pain. take each day at a time and let yourself heal, cry if you want to,but don't self destruct. It is not worth dying for. See it this way, your hurt would only empower the rapist. See it that you have to live, choose life. choose a brighter future. Live for yourself,don't die for the rapist.

5.Find someone to talk to: This is very important. If you are opportuned to speak with a counselor then do, if not speak with a friend , or a confidant.Do not speak to someone who may not believe you or broadcast your stories in a way you wouldn't like. If you have no one else to talk to , talk to elijahforce,send a mail, invite for a chat. Don't keep quiet. Talk

6. Write: if talking to someone about it is difficult then just write, write down your feelings and your determination to heal. Writing would help you release the pain.

7. Learn to protect yourself: Don't just think the deed is done, there are instances of repeat rapes , you have to learn to protect yourself from them. Especially if the rapist is someone who knows you and may be planning a come back. The chances of repeat rapes are about 25%, and if the first rape  hurt you , the 2nd time would totally tear you apart, rob you of all self esteem and self worth.

8. Heal: Start doing things you love again, don't live your life in pain and shame. The major way of doing this, is forgiving the rapist from your heart. This way your hurt reduces and the venom is released. Forgiving the rapist doesn't mean you should not report such person so that they can get the help that they need  or be punished duly for their terrible act.but forgiving is ensuring that the venom is out of you and your life is starts again.

9. Get even: This is a very controversial point. But in some cases it is advisable. The instances of rape would reduce if potential rapist knew that at least 4 in 5 of rape victims would strive back at a later time. it is often advised in environments and communities where rape is swept under the carpet. Getting even might be wrong and two wrongs never make a right. Also the chances of getting killed after being molested may increase if rapist knew most victims would strive back at a later date.

What ever you do, don't let an incidence in your past rob you of the great future ahead of you. Oprah Winfrey was raped at the age of 9, if she had given up on her life then, she would not be the success story that she is now. Heal, it's the best thing that can happen to you.

 Don't get yourself involved in binge drinking, drugs or become promiscuous because of this incidence, dust yourself up and begin a new day.

RELATED POST: LETTER TO MY RAPIST

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HOW TO GET OUT OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

No it is not a lion, it's an abuser.

Abusive relationships are getting more rampant with each passing day. Here is how to get out of abusive relationships if you are in one already.

1.       Awareness: This is the first step in getting out of abusive relationships, being aware that you are in one. The constant denial would do you no good. You have to understand that it is not your fault; no one deserves to be abused for any reason whatsoever. You have an obligation to yourself to be truthful to yourself about the abuse in your relationship.
Read: Signs that you are in an abusive relationship

Now you don't have to wait for this before you know
you are in an abusive relationship.

2.       Avoiding abuse Triggers: In your awareness, you should also identify the triggers that cause abuse and try as much as possible to avoid them while you can. You have to step up to the challenge without fear or agitation. Avoid the discussions that might result into assault or the behavior that triggers such abuse. This would help in saving you from all potential harm. However you should not let the abuse dampen your spirit or give you a troubled mind, because you would begin to transmit such negative energy which would be picked up by your abuser and then he or she would find new excuses or new reasons to abuse you apart from the ones you are already avoiding. Keep  your head high, radiate positive energy , love and care. Develop your mind, don’t lose yourself to self pity.

get over self pity, and don't tell him you are not in the mood
that's going to earn you a slap.

3.       Seek a counselor:  There are times all efforts to avoid abuse would be futile. Seeking a counselor is a very good option. It doesn’t have to be a professional dressed in a suit and tie in an high end office. It could just be someone who is more matured and well grounded . Someone who knows a lot more about relationships. There are lots of regulated advice forums that you could join for advice. A counselor would be able to give you specific instructions as pertaining to your unique case of abuse in your relationship.

Now you can't do this if he has prosthetic
limbs or a gun or both.

4.       Getting even:  Although, this is very controversial and a lot of people have argued that it may put you in more danger. Getting even is still advised in some cases. First you have to understand that you don’t have to be the devil or a monster because you are trying to defend yourself, but, most abusers are weaklings, trying to find validation by oppressing other people. Getting even might simply be reporting the abuser to specific authorities that would put him in check. There was a case of a woman who went to her husband’s place of work and reported him to his boss, who was a respected and disciplined person. The boss then, threatened the abuser of losing his job if he ever had such negative reports. Things changed after that. There are so many other more drastic getting even methods that we cannot put here but some worked tremendously. Getting even generally requires balls, which most abused victims lack in the first instance anyway.

I am Escaping by rail from my high school lover

5.       Running away: This is the most commonly advised step of all steps to take in getting out of an abusive relationship. It involves secret planning, taking into consideration, expenses, how to cope with the future and how to move on and the fact that you might be constantly pursued by your abuser. This is usually much more difficult when children are involved. Even though you might live the rest of your life looking over your shoulders and in paranoia, it is better than having no shoulders anymore.

Some times you always feel like this, even though you are miles away
from your abuser.

6.       Learn your lessons: it is not just enough to deal with abusive relationships , you have to learn your lessons, and there is always something to learn from every situation. While it is mostly not the victim’s fault in cases of abuse, there are some ways in which the victim could have acted to prevent it. You also have to check that you are not in some kind of pattern in your family line or you are constantly attracted to the wrong kind of person. There are always lessons to learn in every situation, if you don’t learn anything in a poignant situation as abuse in relationship then it is probably going to happen again. 

Read: Dysfunctional Relationships: Learn About The Characteristics of Dysfunctional Relationships, Getting Out Of A Dysfunctional Relationship And What Exactly is a Healthy Relationship?

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GETTING OVER BAD HABITS

Bad Habits

Humans are a combinations of habits,some are inborn and a larger percentage are as a result of the environment we live in,friends we keep , information from the  media that we expose ourselves to. While it is often stated that it takes 61 days of  constantly carrying out an activity before it becomes a habit, this  particular statement really carries no weight. Habit formation depends largely on will power,motivation and ambition. If one simply targets carrying out a particular habit for 61 days and then stops, believing it is now a habit, then such a person might be in for a shocker. This goes both ways for both picking up and dropping habits. 

 Habits are basically   a result of influence, and we are constantly influenced every day by things we see and hear.Habits can only be built up if  the particular source of influence for that particular habit is maintained and kept as strong as it was initially  until it is not needed any more, which could be in 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years or 30 years. 

This singular statement categories habits into 

1. Influenced habits.- which are habits that still require the particular source of influence that created them .

2.Independent habits- which are habits that are either inborn and require no direct source of influence or have become what is called "second nature', that requires little or no influence for their continuous existence.

What makes a habit bad?

A habit becomes bad if it limits the owner in fulfilling his day to day activities or achieving substantial laid down life goals, or reduces self worth, or is illegal. Habits are either good or bad,in some cases though a good habit might become bad and sometimes some bad habits might become good.

How do you overcome bad habits?

1. Eradicating the influence: The very first step of overcoming bad habits is to eradicate the influence. To eradicate the influence, you have to first identify it. Influences may come from friends, relatives , beliefs, society, past experiences and the media. The eradication of influences would be important for getting over influenced bad habits.A person might be promiscuous because of certain friendships or media exposure that constantly feeds the bad habit as an example.

Watching the Real Housewives of  everything  is a bad habit
and  to eradicate the influence, this television has to go

2. Redirecting the influence:  

I am redirecting my masturbation bad habit into several push ups

Some habits however are  as a result of an indirect influence, which cannot be eradicated  Such influences include past experiences or societal beliefs and values. In such cases, such influences have to be redirected.You have to understand what influences have indirectly brought about the bad habits and find a way of redirecting these influences to other new habits. So anytime you feel obligated to carry out such bad habits due to influences which cannot be directly eradicated  you  simply do something else. This takes self awareness and mastery. There are several cases of people who do something like cleaning or baking when they are under an uncontrollable influence to do something, they consider a bad habit such as smoking etc.

                                                                                                              RELATED POST:GETTING THINGS DONE-|HOW TO GET OVER YOUR EX

3.Training your mind. 

I am using this ball to remind myself that the earth is Spherical
and math is just like the game of soccer.

There are still those bad habits that are second nature sans direct or indirect influence. This has to be replaced with something productive.Replacing them however should be done with something or activities that would totally keep your mind off it. It requires constant training done by trial and error, it is a process that you have to be aware of and keep milestones and focus. Use paper tags to remind you of it, make yourself aware of the benefits you stand to gain from getting over that bad habit.

4. Releasing the Guilt and shame: 

Oh please! I would not wet myself again because i am now 21

Without this singular act of releasing any form of guilt and shame associated with the bad habit, you might never get over them. In the process of getting over bad habits, there are days you might fail, there are days you might take steps backward but the cliche is to worry yourself about it and fill yourself with remorse. This is dangerous, as the remorse sends a message of justification and vindication to your subconscious. When you find yourself at high temptation periods where you are under a strong influence to carry out your bad habit, your subconscious assures you that you are going to feel remorse after the act , so you can go ahead and do it. So the remorse would let you feel content and you would continue in the cycle. When you fall, get up, don't fret, tell yourself you are on a process and though it takes time, you would make it,because you can. 

5. Weighing your Options: 

Steven Aitchison said that" people never really change, they only change when the option of not changing far outweighs the options of remaining the same. In which case, " if i don't stop cheating, i would lose my beautiful marriage"," if i don't stop overeating, i would have a weight related disease", "if i don't stop smoking, this lung cancer would kill me'." if i don't change my attitude, i would lose my job". When your subconsious fully realises this, then change is inevitable. The influences would be erradicted, redirected and the mind would be well trained. WIthout that, the bad habit might successfully recede only to pop up someday based on favourable situations and circumstances.

RELATED POST: WHY PEOPLE BEHAVE THE WAY THEY DO

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