Kenya Polygamy Law, WTF?

Polygamy in Kenya,  WTF?

Yet another messed  up Law emanating from Africa and this time, it is not the Anti-gay Bill, or some bill from Nigeria proposing to send public smokers to 6 months in Jail.  This time it is from Kenya and is a polygamous law. This is practically taking the sister wives show from the television into the homes of people. Kenya is where our dearly beloved Lupita Nyong’o is from and is where the large African safari is. It is also the home country of Barack Obama. The country’s president Uhuru Kenyatta has signed into law a controversial marriage bill legalizing polygamy. This means that a married man would be allowed to take more than one wife without consulting existing spouse. There is however no specified limit to the number of wives to be taken by a man. In islam, men are allowed to take four wives.

The female MPS in the parliament had walked out in disgust after their male counterparts had voted through the amendments which was rather less than smart, as we would have expected that the female MPS would immediately start working on creating a polyandry bill. 

                                     UGANDA BE KIDDING ME

The law also says a woman is entitled to equal share of what the couple acquired during the marriage which would be given to her upon divorce. This would however lead to confusion when 4 wives have to share what a man has when he dies or when the four wives get tired of his male genital odor.

The Christian leaders, who are always late to the party, opposed the law claiming it would affect the family and the financial position of the other spouses while undermining the Christian principles and then they went back into their churches and did nothing about it. “The tone of that bill, if it becomes law, would be demeaning to women since it does not respect the principle of equality of spouses in the institution of marriage,” Archbishop Timothy Ndambuki, from the National Council of Churches of Kenya had said before it was signed into law.

This is however still better than Nigeria’s child marriage law, since girls have to be at least 18 to get married, so there is still no room for pedophiles. 

The law abolished traditional marriages, and enforces the payment of bride price as well as  not recognizing cohabiting which in Kenya is known as  “come-we –stay”. 

Now the real implications of this law 

1. This is the greatest misogynist law, since the law the prohibited women from voting. This means a man can easily cheat with any woman he deems fit while still married. It would be practically impossible for a man to just marry a woman ,so that they can be intimate. For a man to marry a woman there has to be the wooing and dating period. So while he stays married, a man can go out of his matrimonial home at any time to prepare to take a second wife. It happens all the time but this time, he would have the backing of the law.

LETTER FROM A MISTRESS

2. The Kenyan’s president has just signed into the law, the fact that his daughter would one day be second fiddle to another man.

3. Raising a child in a polygamous African Family is one of the worst things that can happen to a child after rape , accident  and sicknesses, all of which have a higher probability of occurring in a polygamous family.

4. Someday, if Lupita marries a Kenyan man in Kenya, she’s going to be a second wife.

Just look ar her, in all her second wife glory.

5. If Barack and Michelle had married in Kenya, America could have to deal with two first ladies. (Not sure how that would work)

Read  The Witness Wore Red: The 19th Wife Who Brought Polygamous Cult Leaders to Justice

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WRONG REASONS TO GET MARRIED

Marriage is beautiful. However in recent times, we  have seen the great decline in straight marriages all across the world.
     Marriage, the once beautiful fruit seems to have left a bitter taste in the mouth of so many. “Why do I have to put up with someone else all my life?”, Jacqueline 28 had responded. A lot of people around the world have resorted to living together and open relationships. Why the decline in marriage can be linked to decline in earning power of men, protection of personal wealth and assets which might be lost in marriage and other behavioral abnormalities and beliefs. One of the major reasons for decline in the rate of marriage and increase in the rate of failed marriages are that people get into marriage for all the wrong reasons. They give themselves all the wrong reasons to get married and what makes these reasons wrong is that they cannot sustain a marriage and would rather bring an abrupt end to a marriage. We are going to explain a few here. 

1. Lust:

 One of the many  wrong reasons to  get  married is lust. It also happens to be the commonest reason why people get married. The thought of having a magazine cover girl or a well ripped athlete all to yourself might seem nice enough. The prospect of eroticism and sexual prowess that would be enjoyed  exclusively in the marriage also seems most of the time to blind individual from obvious signs of incompatibility and lack of communication whatsoever , all needed for marriage to succeed.  Everything seems to boil down to physicality in a lust filled relationship .Lust is one of the  wrong reasons to get married. Because it eventually wears out  and the marriage ends even before it starts.

If you marry me, i'm going to do nasty things to you each night until you weep.

2. Infatuation:

 Ever heard of the term” love at first sight”. Experts say that is a typical example of infatuation. You know it’s infatuation, when you are constantly thinking of how to reveal yourself to the other person based on your idealized vision of the other person. You immediately lose all form of security in yourself and are consumed with the thought of the other person liking you. You can't take your ground because you don’t want to lose the person. You basically work on egg shells doing everything in your power to recreate yourself for the person. Infatuation is what most love songs, and films portray as love, where you lose all sense of individuality and drown in this exhaustive experience. Infatuation, one of the wrong reasons to get married would sap out life from you, it would put your life goals and sense of individuality on hold and when you don’t get back the “so called love” you believe you deserve or your partner is not as infatuated as you are. You lose it, the whole marriage comes crashing down. Infatuation ends as fast as it starts. Getting married within weeks of first meeting each other is one of the surest signs of infatuation. 

3. Following the norm:

It is believed in most parts of the world that marriage is compulsory and is some kind of achievement and so every youth must eventually work towards that. Following the norm is also one of the wrong reasons to get married. Marriage is work and should be between two consenting adults who understand what they are going into and are ready to make it work and make it last. If you are not ready for that, there is no point following the norm of getting married just because you are expected to or because you love the idea of marriage itself or the fear of remaining unmarried because everybody is getting married. Marriage is beautiful but the aftermath of a broken marriage is like a scar that never erases even when you remarry. Do not allow yourself to be put under any pressure to marry by friends, relatives, parents or coworkers until you are ready to spend the rest of your life with someone you love, sans lust and infatuation.

4. Forcing Commitment:

One of the wrong reasons to get married which is also very common among the female folks is the need to force your partner into commitment to prevent being jilted in the future. Commitment should be gone into willingly and no one should be coerced into commitment. Marriage should not feel like a prison, it should be beautiful and enjoyed.  You would be wise enough to skip certain activities or functions until marriage to increase the value and incentives for marriage but not putting your partner  into a leash where he or she would be dragged into commitment under duress. Marriage should celebrate individuality as well as togetherness and forcing commitment would build marriage on a wrong foundation which would eventually send it tumbling down.

5. Money: 

This is arguably the most common of all the wrong reasons to get married. Financial security that a marriage can offer drives a lot of people into marriages they would otherwise not have gone into. This reason seems acceptable and laudable and a lot of people would applaud a lady who marries into money but the trick is,most monies comes with a lot of issues and the money in most cases is not worth the price of loneliness, unworthiness, paranoia and family feud that you have to put up with. Worst off, when there is a pre-nup. For the money bag, marrying someone because you possess the money you believe the other person needs would only be successful as long as the your partner, fails to apply themselves and make enough income on their own to fuel their sense of individuality and freedom. There has been several cases where a lady marries into money only to get some opportunities of applying herself and getting financial rewards on her own during the course of the marriage and then bailing on the marriage, or totally shifting all focus to herself and her money making enterprise.

What is the point of marrying some broke ass guy with potentials?

6. Escape Route:

  Taking marriage as an escape route to leave a town, a city , your family or relatives is also one of the wrong reasons to get married. The purpose of marriage far transcends that and going into a marriage because  of such trivial reasons is asking for trouble. Find ways of dealing with people you don’t want in your life other than getting married and getting whisked away into a new world filled with new challenges and discoveries that marriage offers.

RELATED POSTS: 8 MEN TO NEVER MARRY | 8 LADIES NOT TO MARRY

7. Pity Party

 Marrying someone out of pity is also one of the wrong reasons to get married and it ranks as one of the dumbest too. Feeling sorry and feeling responsible for someone is good enough, marrying them for that is just straight up dumb. Marriage is more precious than a relationship based on pity except of course the person in question  has about 6 hours after the wedding to live, then you can be over your dumb decision  in 6 hours otherwise you would have to spend the rest of your existence feeling dumb and dumber and it would be way worse to break out of such relationship because you would look worse than when you went in. This is also as dumb as marrying someone with the hope of changing them into your lifestyle, your religion or your culture. Even if they show early signs of tagging along, remember that is what it is, tagging along, not change, marriage is not supposed to impose a change on anyone. It would only go so far before you start wishing being run down by a high speed train.

This guy's picture pops up when you google, "marrying out of pity" because
he is the first African to claim he married out of pity. He also
happens to be an Actor who came to limelight after marriage.

8. Cultural beliefs: 

 A lot of Asian marriages fall under this category. This still doesn't change the fact that it is one of the wrong reasons to get married. Marrying to maintain some bogus cultural belief is absolutely ridiculous and synonymous to punishment. Marriage is supposed to be based on love, friendship, companionship, togetherness and fun, not some pre-arranged culture preserving mediocre where participants have to live with each other, get used to each other and resort to fate. While this kinds of marriage seldom end in divorce due to the fear of the same cultural beliefs that started it in the first place, it leads to a life of unfulfillment , loss of the sense of individuality and lack of emotional expression and togetherness. This is also as bad as limiting your choice of a marriage partner due to cultural reasons, geographical location, language or race.

This guy doesn't know the middle name of his bride but who cares?
They are cute and they would spend the rest of their lives together
miserably happily married.

9. Pregnancy:

 Having a baby on the way is one of the wrong reasons to get married. This reason ranks high in African Countries. This is because procreation has been falsely thought to be sole reason for marriage in these countries , especially west Africa. And most women mess  with the thought of literally trapping a man into marrying them by getting pregnant. This reason is as dangerous as it sounds, don’t put yourself in such dangerous situations. While it is not advisable for children to be born out of wedlock due to some future psychological issues postulated by experts, putting the weight of marriage on an unborn fetus is not a good idea and is a recipe for a marriage that would not stand the test of time.

10. Parental issues: 

Marrying to satisfy your parents and relatives also counts as one of the wrong reasons to get married , so is marrying to hurt your parents. No parent in his  or her right mind should force a child to get married for their own selfish benefits and no right thinking child should also go ahead and exchange vows with the sole intention of pissing off the parent. Marriage would come with it’s own issues and challenges, secondary issues might prove too difficult to handle in a marriage. The “ us against the world” mentality more often than not ends badly and no marriage should be put under such unnecessary additional pressure.

11. Fortune Telling:

As ridiculous as this may sound to someone in America or United Kingdom, sooth saying , oracles and fortune telling, whatever you call it is a very common way of finding a marriage partner in Asia and Africa. The commonest way is by bringing pictures of random potential spouses to the fortune teller who then points out the "victim's' soulmate. Getting married based on the prediction of a fortune teller is one of the many wrong reasons to get married. 

12. Exercising a Right

Another one of the numerous wrong reasons to get married is to exercise a right or law that had just been passed. 30 years back ,some marriages taking place today in some parts of the world were totally illegal, now some new laws have been passed in certain countries and this is usually followed by mass weddings. There is much more to marriage than exercising a right, because soon, you might also be exercising the right to divorce.

13. Needing Assistance.

It is always said that "two heads are better than one" but the fact remains that if one head cannot function independently on it's own , it would be no good even when it has another one to work with. One of the many wrong reasons to get married is the need to get assistance, in running your daily life.You need help cleaning your house, fixing your food, running errands, changing the door knob and taking out the trash , then get a maid. Marriage is so much more than the need to get things done around the house. Marriage is meant for those who have found independence and then intend to co-depend because of the right reasons to get married .

14. Marrying for citizenship and other benefits.

Marrying someone to get a citizenship to a better country is also becoming one of the most common wrong reasons to get married.You would become a citizen quite alright but then in most cases it ends badly.

The above are all wrong reasons to get married because they usually end the marriage abruptly or rob the participants of the immense joy and happiness that marriage brings. Before signing on those dotted lines, it is important to note these reasons and either proceed  with or call off the wedding . Before you get married , you need to know about the choices in relationship. Read Choices in Relationships: An Introduction to Marriage and the Family
 

Now we've unconsciously given you more excuses to bail out of your relationships. Jerks!

RELATED POSTS: HOW TO GET OVER YOUR EX | PARASITIC RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU IN ONE

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MARRIAGE AND FINANCES

No way on Earth, would I make you a signatory to my personal  account.

Did you realize that 43% of all  couples contend over finances, making it the major cause of disagreements in a marriage?

 In every marriage both parties have to draw up a plan to handle cash , this is the ideal opportunity to talk, create boundaries, and draw up a fiscal arrangement. 

It is never advised for all the finances in a marriage to come into a single purse, that is like putting all your eggs in one basket. There should be a marriage purse and then an individual purse for all individual spending  Marriage purses should be funded from certain percentages of what each spouse earns.

Finances is an extremely colossal part of a marriage. Having enough to use, and to do the things one needs to do, is vital to both parties. Any time couples are unable to do this, then different issues pop up in the marriage. Any time both parties are not on the same page as per finances in the marriage, different  other issues would definitely spring  up. 

Effective communication is usually the most challenging hindrance in securing  financial objectives and goals as far as marriage finances go.  

Couples must understand the need to plan finances in a marriage and for each party to adhere strictly to the planned financial structure of the marriage.  Just the way finances are planned  in a business, they should also be planned in a marriage.

Case in point, how do you get your mate to understand that he or she will check their spending  with the intention that you both can start putting cash away for a greater cause? 

There's got to be a viable agreement, because most couples discover that a lack of money, a lack of spending control, or a lack of fall-back savings eventually causes other problems in a marriage.These  Small issues  eventually lead to greater problems.

In any case, arguments over finances can be totally avoided by effective communication, understanding of  expectations, setting goals and objectives and structuring  a family budget. 

 Here are Marriage financial principles to live by. 

1. Avoid living  beyond your means.If you are not earning it , you probably shouldn't be spending it. 

2. Treat the family as a business. 

3. Create an income-and-expense statement  .

4. Keep records of all expenses. 

5. Make a monthly plan on how money would be earned, saved and spent. 

6. Devise a plan to pay off your debt 

7. Find ways of cutting all unnecessary expenses. 

In summary, married couples have an important duty to plant the seeds for a healthy marriage by simply communicate their financial plans with each other, being realistic about expectations, and abiding by    their financial plan.


Read : Money and Marriage: A Complete Guide for Engaged and Newly Married Couples

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SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

Words are as strong as the fist.

The statistics of domestic homicide  as a result of being in an abusive relationship has increased in recent years . It has become rampant in celebrities and commoners alike, while celebrity cases graze the pages of newspapers and magazines, others happen and are often swept under the carpet. It is often  impossible to think that , the once passionate and fun filled relationship could turn abusive but the records prove otherwise as 1 in 3 youth  report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. A lot of victims of abusive relationships however keep this secret from most people until they eventually lose their limbs, their face or their life. Most of them are usually blinded to the screaming signs of abuse in their relationship while others simply ignore it  claiming  " no one is perfect". Abuse in relationships are of diverse kinds, the most indexed is the physical abuse,which involves physically hurting a partner. There are however other forms of abuse in relationships such as sexual abuse, emotional abuse and  verbal abuse.

Sexual abusive relationships are those relationship where a partner is constantly forced to have sexual intercourse against his or her will,or carry out sexual acts that are otherwise considered inappropriate by the partner, a common example of this is forcing a partner to perform oral sex against their will .A recent survey among youths in America showed that 1 in 4  girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse by their partners.

Emotional abusive relationships are the most common but least recognised . It involves relegating the self worth and independence of the victim by his or her partner through diverse ways like isolation and controlling behaviour

Verbal Abusive relationships which is often grouped under emotional abusive relationships but rather has a life of it's own involves yelling, name calling, shaming and blaming especially among friends and relatives. This is usually the initial form of abuse in the relationship before it steps up a notch to emotional , then sexual  and finally physical abuse.

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There are always signs of  potentially abusive relationship but are often ignored or not recognized for what they are. Here are a few of them.

A boy being a product of an abusive relationship.

1.History and  Background : People with abusive family background are more likely to be in abusive relationships than people who  haven't ever experienced abuse.There is a 60% chance that a boy who grew up in a house where his father was always putting his mother down would do the same in the nearest future,and a girl who was always caught in cross fires at a young age is more likely to be involved in an abusive relationship, there is no scientific evidence to back this up other than a noticeable generational pattern in the life of humans.

A partner that has also abused someone in the past is more likely to repeat it with another especially if he got away with the first abuse. No matter how angelic and romantic your partner seems, if he or she abused his or her last partner or ex, then it is just a matter of time before you start experiencing such if the issue is not addressed squarely.

2. Compulsive Love: There are certain subliminal actions taken by lovers that only point to the fact that they need their head checked. Most often times it is regarded as being romantic. A recent case where a man sold his own kidneys to get his girlfriend a diamond wedding ring in Ukraine is nothing short of a compulsive love. This kind of love would eventually lead to being in an abusive relationship. The issue here is , one partner loves another so much to the extent of harming himself or herself, once this gesture is not met with the presumed appropriate appreciation at any point in time in the relationship, it is immediately replaced with self loathe and loathe for the partner and   one who could harm himself would not hesitate to harm another. Being in a  relationship where a partner threatens to commit suicide if dumped is like sitting on gun powder.

NO! " Don't even ask me why.

3.Controlling Behaviour: A relationship where one partner is so insecure, he or she monitors where you go to, limits your friends and family contact, acts excessively jealous and possessive, is an abusive relationship. If at any time you feel you have to walk on egg shells around your partner or being in a constant state of fear of your partner, or unable to call your partner to order if you feel you have been wronged then you are obviously enduring an abusive relationship.

It would be cruel to write a joke here

4. Degrading attitude: If all your partner does is complain about your faults,treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see, make you feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner until you eventually start believing that you deserve to be hurt or abused by your partner, you are  in an abusive relationship.

5. Violent Nature: If your partner has a violent Nature and is prone to fights and tantrums, it may be a sign that you are in an abusive relationship. Most times it starts with others apart from you, road side strangers, office workers, subordinates, colleagues and even family members. You initially see yourself as the exception, the one who supposedly calms them down when the issues arise.As time goes on, you would also be a victim . It usually starts with a slap or a violent kick, then they immediately apologize and make up, only for it to happen again. It is advisable not to turn the other cheek in this situation.

Read:The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

6. Verbal/Physical Torture: If your partner ever threatens to kill or hurt you and constantly yells at you , forces you to have sex in an unedifying way or goes ahead to blame you for their abusive nature. You have to run out of there while you still can before the cops are called in to identify a dead body.

or here

Being in an abusive relationship is nothing to be ashamed of, be truthful to yourself and yourself only and take the necessary steps. Here is how to get out of an abusive relationship

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THE COMMON DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WIVES AND MOTHERS (Your wife is not your mother).

Let your mother hold on to you as much as she wants
there is a software called photoshop on my laptop

The very first woman a man gets acquainted with in life is his mother.The first breasts he suckles, the first kiss he gets, the first full body massage, the first playmate, the one who totally understands each cry until of cause she gets confused.The bond between a man and his mother within the first few years of his life seals  what he would later expect from the woman who loves him or claims to. It is totally different from the way he sees girls who just happen to be an everyday prop in this lifetime movie. But when he settles down and begins to think in the  line of falling in love and building a home , he starts searching for a mother to call his wife. He never really finds it but must learn to deal with what he has and nurture it into whatever it would become. Here are some facts about the differences between wives and mothers.

I am the head, I am your wife.

1.Your mother might be submissive to her spouse and your wife might not. 

This is assuming your mother is from the traditional good ole days where the men worked and the women raised the children, tilled the garden and kept the bedroom warm. She might be from the dominion-submission role of husband and wife. Your wife on the other hand might not be that submissive. She would respect you because she loves you and occasionally when you earn it but there would be times where she might find it okay to let you know, you have  lost your mind and at times she just might be right.

2.Your mother might be a bread winning assistant. This may have put her in an automatic back seat in financial decision making as pertaining to the family  but nowadays with  girl power on the rise and gender equality as a millennium goal for public and corporate bodies,your wife just might be the bread winner and you the assistant, deal with it! So in cases pertaining financial decision, she would not be acting like your mother, saying " your decision is okay with me", NO! she would tell you about the risks in your plans, more like the loopholes and also prepare the budget.She might even have a private account stashed away from you.

No way are you going to use our savings to buy a macbook to  play more  video games.

3. Your wife might not be as spiritual as your mother. Okay you probably had/have a mother that goes for spiritual cleansing, all night vigils, mission to feed the poor and all kinds of spiritual exercises, your wife might be on the fence. She is spiritual in some things, logical in others, analytic yet in others, and indifferent yet in some areas as against the all weather spiritual mother who prays for rain. Apart from the fact that atheism is on the rise, because religion has not provided answers to a lot of mankind's problems but has in some cases complicated it. Your wife might not be religious but rather hold a knowledge of God and be more God loving rather than God fearing.She might see religion as a veil but instead come to the knowledge of God and how to exhibit the virtues he has already put in her.

RELATED POST: 8 LADIES TO NEVER MARRY  | HOW I MET MY MOTHER

4. Your mother might be named after her environment,because everyone knows her and likes her, she makes every other person's business her business, friends, family, neighbors and all.Your wife might have strict boundaries,she sees people for who they really her and not what they can be. Keeps the ones that seem to be no good far from her. She might also not approve of some friends who she feels are out to tie you down to some frivolities.

5. Your wife might be more of a WebMD follower,when she has a headache ,she goggles it , joins online groups and all when she is pregnant and be very critical about symptoms.. Your mother might instead be a home remedy expert, dishing out the old wives tales of how a particular green leaf cures back pain and reduces menstrual cramps. When you have a headache, your mother serves your drugs and cures you with her motherly love, your wife might instead give you a glass of cold water and then call the doctor or consult WebMD.

Why don't you just tell your son to do this?

6.Your mother might be a super woman, juggling domestic chores and all , your wife on the other end may also be a super woman in her rights at least at work, where she runs a corporation or carries her company's finances on her shoulder. She might need a maid for the home front.

7.You can never do wrong at least when your mother is concerned, your wife might not think that way. She might think , time after time that you need your head checked. She might think that your mother needs to get your head out of her ass and see you for who you really are. She loves you but she is not blind to faults , just as you are not blind to hers.

You are going to be punished for this silly PDA with your mother right in front of me.

8.If all the above differences fit your mother and your wife, then you can be rest assured that your wife would still make effort to be in shape  when she is 60, she would be able to hold up a current affairs or sports discussion when she is  60 and she would still have the fire as long as you keep your belly flat. It's the world we live in now, so deal with it, otherwise, go find yourself something else.If the opposite is the case you are living in paradise.

Read:The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along?

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