WRONG REASONS TO GET MARRIED

Marriage is beautiful. However in recent times, we  have seen the great decline in straight marriages all across the world.
     Marriage, the once beautiful fruit seems to have left a bitter taste in the mouth of so many. “Why do I have to put up with someone else all my life?”, Jacqueline 28 had responded. A lot of people around the world have resorted to living together and open relationships. Why the decline in marriage can be linked to decline in earning power of men, protection of personal wealth and assets which might be lost in marriage and other behavioral abnormalities and beliefs. One of the major reasons for decline in the rate of marriage and increase in the rate of failed marriages are that people get into marriage for all the wrong reasons. They give themselves all the wrong reasons to get married and what makes these reasons wrong is that they cannot sustain a marriage and would rather bring an abrupt end to a marriage. We are going to explain a few here. 

1. Lust:

 One of the many  wrong reasons to  get  married is lust. It also happens to be the commonest reason why people get married. The thought of having a magazine cover girl or a well ripped athlete all to yourself might seem nice enough. The prospect of eroticism and sexual prowess that would be enjoyed  exclusively in the marriage also seems most of the time to blind individual from obvious signs of incompatibility and lack of communication whatsoever , all needed for marriage to succeed.  Everything seems to boil down to physicality in a lust filled relationship .Lust is one of the  wrong reasons to get married. Because it eventually wears out  and the marriage ends even before it starts.

If you marry me, i'm going to do nasty things to you each night until you weep.

2. Infatuation:

 Ever heard of the term” love at first sight”. Experts say that is a typical example of infatuation. You know it’s infatuation, when you are constantly thinking of how to reveal yourself to the other person based on your idealized vision of the other person. You immediately lose all form of security in yourself and are consumed with the thought of the other person liking you. You can't take your ground because you don’t want to lose the person. You basically work on egg shells doing everything in your power to recreate yourself for the person. Infatuation is what most love songs, and films portray as love, where you lose all sense of individuality and drown in this exhaustive experience. Infatuation, one of the wrong reasons to get married would sap out life from you, it would put your life goals and sense of individuality on hold and when you don’t get back the “so called love” you believe you deserve or your partner is not as infatuated as you are. You lose it, the whole marriage comes crashing down. Infatuation ends as fast as it starts. Getting married within weeks of first meeting each other is one of the surest signs of infatuation. 

3. Following the norm:

It is believed in most parts of the world that marriage is compulsory and is some kind of achievement and so every youth must eventually work towards that. Following the norm is also one of the wrong reasons to get married. Marriage is work and should be between two consenting adults who understand what they are going into and are ready to make it work and make it last. If you are not ready for that, there is no point following the norm of getting married just because you are expected to or because you love the idea of marriage itself or the fear of remaining unmarried because everybody is getting married. Marriage is beautiful but the aftermath of a broken marriage is like a scar that never erases even when you remarry. Do not allow yourself to be put under any pressure to marry by friends, relatives, parents or coworkers until you are ready to spend the rest of your life with someone you love, sans lust and infatuation.

4. Forcing Commitment:

One of the wrong reasons to get married which is also very common among the female folks is the need to force your partner into commitment to prevent being jilted in the future. Commitment should be gone into willingly and no one should be coerced into commitment. Marriage should not feel like a prison, it should be beautiful and enjoyed.  You would be wise enough to skip certain activities or functions until marriage to increase the value and incentives for marriage but not putting your partner  into a leash where he or she would be dragged into commitment under duress. Marriage should celebrate individuality as well as togetherness and forcing commitment would build marriage on a wrong foundation which would eventually send it tumbling down.

5. Money: 

This is arguably the most common of all the wrong reasons to get married. Financial security that a marriage can offer drives a lot of people into marriages they would otherwise not have gone into. This reason seems acceptable and laudable and a lot of people would applaud a lady who marries into money but the trick is,most monies comes with a lot of issues and the money in most cases is not worth the price of loneliness, unworthiness, paranoia and family feud that you have to put up with. Worst off, when there is a pre-nup. For the money bag, marrying someone because you possess the money you believe the other person needs would only be successful as long as the your partner, fails to apply themselves and make enough income on their own to fuel their sense of individuality and freedom. There has been several cases where a lady marries into money only to get some opportunities of applying herself and getting financial rewards on her own during the course of the marriage and then bailing on the marriage, or totally shifting all focus to herself and her money making enterprise.

What is the point of marrying some broke ass guy with potentials?

6. Escape Route:

  Taking marriage as an escape route to leave a town, a city , your family or relatives is also one of the wrong reasons to get married. The purpose of marriage far transcends that and going into a marriage because  of such trivial reasons is asking for trouble. Find ways of dealing with people you don’t want in your life other than getting married and getting whisked away into a new world filled with new challenges and discoveries that marriage offers.

RELATED POSTS: 8 MEN TO NEVER MARRY | 8 LADIES NOT TO MARRY

7. Pity Party

 Marrying someone out of pity is also one of the wrong reasons to get married and it ranks as one of the dumbest too. Feeling sorry and feeling responsible for someone is good enough, marrying them for that is just straight up dumb. Marriage is more precious than a relationship based on pity except of course the person in question  has about 6 hours after the wedding to live, then you can be over your dumb decision  in 6 hours otherwise you would have to spend the rest of your existence feeling dumb and dumber and it would be way worse to break out of such relationship because you would look worse than when you went in. This is also as dumb as marrying someone with the hope of changing them into your lifestyle, your religion or your culture. Even if they show early signs of tagging along, remember that is what it is, tagging along, not change, marriage is not supposed to impose a change on anyone. It would only go so far before you start wishing being run down by a high speed train.

This guy's picture pops up when you google, "marrying out of pity" because
he is the first African to claim he married out of pity. He also
happens to be an Actor who came to limelight after marriage.

8. Cultural beliefs: 

 A lot of Asian marriages fall under this category. This still doesn't change the fact that it is one of the wrong reasons to get married. Marrying to maintain some bogus cultural belief is absolutely ridiculous and synonymous to punishment. Marriage is supposed to be based on love, friendship, companionship, togetherness and fun, not some pre-arranged culture preserving mediocre where participants have to live with each other, get used to each other and resort to fate. While this kinds of marriage seldom end in divorce due to the fear of the same cultural beliefs that started it in the first place, it leads to a life of unfulfillment , loss of the sense of individuality and lack of emotional expression and togetherness. This is also as bad as limiting your choice of a marriage partner due to cultural reasons, geographical location, language or race.

This guy doesn't know the middle name of his bride but who cares?
They are cute and they would spend the rest of their lives together
miserably happily married.

9. Pregnancy:

 Having a baby on the way is one of the wrong reasons to get married. This reason ranks high in African Countries. This is because procreation has been falsely thought to be sole reason for marriage in these countries , especially west Africa. And most women mess  with the thought of literally trapping a man into marrying them by getting pregnant. This reason is as dangerous as it sounds, don’t put yourself in such dangerous situations. While it is not advisable for children to be born out of wedlock due to some future psychological issues postulated by experts, putting the weight of marriage on an unborn fetus is not a good idea and is a recipe for a marriage that would not stand the test of time.

10. Parental issues: 

Marrying to satisfy your parents and relatives also counts as one of the wrong reasons to get married , so is marrying to hurt your parents. No parent in his  or her right mind should force a child to get married for their own selfish benefits and no right thinking child should also go ahead and exchange vows with the sole intention of pissing off the parent. Marriage would come with it’s own issues and challenges, secondary issues might prove too difficult to handle in a marriage. The “ us against the world” mentality more often than not ends badly and no marriage should be put under such unnecessary additional pressure.

11. Fortune Telling:

As ridiculous as this may sound to someone in America or United Kingdom, sooth saying , oracles and fortune telling, whatever you call it is a very common way of finding a marriage partner in Asia and Africa. The commonest way is by bringing pictures of random potential spouses to the fortune teller who then points out the "victim's' soulmate. Getting married based on the prediction of a fortune teller is one of the many wrong reasons to get married. 

12. Exercising a Right

Another one of the numerous wrong reasons to get married is to exercise a right or law that had just been passed. 30 years back ,some marriages taking place today in some parts of the world were totally illegal, now some new laws have been passed in certain countries and this is usually followed by mass weddings. There is much more to marriage than exercising a right, because soon, you might also be exercising the right to divorce.

13. Needing Assistance.

It is always said that "two heads are better than one" but the fact remains that if one head cannot function independently on it's own , it would be no good even when it has another one to work with. One of the many wrong reasons to get married is the need to get assistance, in running your daily life.You need help cleaning your house, fixing your food, running errands, changing the door knob and taking out the trash , then get a maid. Marriage is so much more than the need to get things done around the house. Marriage is meant for those who have found independence and then intend to co-depend because of the right reasons to get married .

14. Marrying for citizenship and other benefits.

Marrying someone to get a citizenship to a better country is also becoming one of the most common wrong reasons to get married.You would become a citizen quite alright but then in most cases it ends badly.

The above are all wrong reasons to get married because they usually end the marriage abruptly or rob the participants of the immense joy and happiness that marriage brings. Before signing on those dotted lines, it is important to note these reasons and either proceed  with or call off the wedding . Before you get married , you need to know about the choices in relationship. Read Choices in Relationships: An Introduction to Marriage and the Family
 

Now we've unconsciously given you more excuses to bail out of your relationships. Jerks!

RELATED POSTS: HOW TO GET OVER YOUR EX | PARASITIC RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU IN ONE

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THE PREGNANT WOMAN AND HER HUSBAND

One of the most remarkable period in a woman's life is her pregnancy period.It is also the most confusing period for the husband of  pregnant women. Everything changes, her face, her body, her eating ability and worst of all her patience.Here are tips for the  pregnant woman and her husband  during that crucial  time in their life– the time of pregnancy.

Husband of Pregnant women

If only you knew who the real father is

RELATED POST: GET PREGNANT NOW

 Back rub is a Necessity: The number one thing that  husbands of pregnant women may as well work toward getting used to doing all through your wife's pregnancy is to give her loads and loads of back rubs. Back pain in pregnant women is very common.Many women feel back pain throughout their pregnancy. In any case regardless of the fact that they don't, back rubs are a great course to help them focus  and take their brains off  the whole lot that they're going through ,more like "the whole lot that their husbands" are putting them through for instance  weight gain and the physical changes that they're experiencing.Taking time out of the day as a responsible husband of a pregnant woman  to rub his wife's back for no less than ten minutes might be a lifeline for the pregnant woman and her husband.!`

When i'm through with your back you wouldn't even feel your spine again

·  Attentiveness and empathy should be your watchword:  There are some pregnant women who have to deal with over-the-top increasing hormones, and for those ladies it is not odd to head off from being cheerful to hollering in one second even. For those husbands of pregnant women who have to experience this, attempt to take a profound breath and console  her emphatically in any method plausible. Pregnant women relish this with their husbands and will adore you more for it!

I am only doing this because i read it in a blog on empathy

· Do the Chores: Even though some wives are expected to clean the house, do the dishes, laundry, and other house chores especially when you don't have any help.Husband of pregnant women have to realize that on some days the greatest challenge of a pregnant woman is to get up out of bed throughout their pregnancy. By letting your wife unwind when she gets back from work (in the event that she works) or giving her a chance to unwind after supper instead of assuming that she'll jump right to the dishes, and doing some of the house chores yourself, is definitely a big help to those pregnant women who do find it challenging to stroll from their bedroom to the front door!

                              RELATED POST: LETTER TO MY FUTURE WIFE |      COMMON  DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR WIFE AND MOTHER

This man must think i'm still pregnant for one more week

· Redesign the House especially the bedroom: For some women the bedroom is the sanctuary. It is where they can unwind, get rest, read a book, watch TV and of course sleep.  Changing the sheets, redecorating the room would definitely lighten her mood if it is done well.Not to mention, the type of material on the bed .. Try out Egyptian cotton or organic cotton, 1000-thread count, double-thick pillows... whatever it is... if your budget permits, get her the bed of her dreams and a comfy couch . She's the one carrying the person growing inside of her, not you the husband of the pregnant woman! That trumps anything you may have to deal with. Young Men, to be honest, you can’t imagine what it's like to have a person growing inside of you .

I read somewhere that this color calms pregnant women........Oh  it doesn't?

· Forgive her Mood swings and tantrums: If as a pregnant woman's husband you find your wife deals with mood swings during her pregnancy, forgive them immediately.

 Realize that

1) not every pregnant women deals with pregnancy the same way   2) for pregnant women and their husbands, every day may be an adventure;

 3) not everyone cares that she's pregnant... in other words, life still goes on. Bills still need to be paid, individuals still call her. and so forth. . So if she takes it out on you the husband accidentally, love her through it.. Whatever happens, don't contribute to the ball of emotions she may be dealing with. Someone needs to be the stable one and  it has to be the husband of pregnant women... deal with it. Husband, Love Your Wife... Even when She's Pregnant! Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad!, so suck it up and  work on getting both of you through the next nine months.

Please don't cry...........Okay  i would take my shirt off and dance  gangnam style!

Read about the whole thing, don't just talk to friends and family and complain of walking on egg shells, read a book and enlighten yourself about the whole thing, a  600 word blog post filled with sarcasm would not afford you all the things and little details you need to know, if you were man enough to shove a sperm down her ovaries, you should be man enough to read a book like " The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be ,  to learn  how your sperm is doing and how it is affecting her body, her life and her moods.

RELATED POST: PREGNANT WOMAN AND HER HUSBAND'S CHORES | THE PREGNANT WOMAN AND HER HUSBAND'S QUESTIONS

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HOW TO HANDLE INFIDELITY AND ADULTERY IN MARRIAGE

infidelity ,adultery in marriage Honey, i see you've met Cassandra
                                                  she is our new sex therapist.

The pain caused by infidelity is like the pain you get when you are stabbed by a blunt Knife. The causes of infidelity in a marriage are quite exhaustive ranging from low self esteem, neglect, pervertedness etc. While infidelity is of different forms the generally regarded act of infidelity is sex. The road to recovery is a very long and tortuous one but with determination, courage and perseverance,it can be attained.
Here are a few steps to take after you have discovered any form of infidelity in your marriage
.

1.Discovery 

When you find out that  your partner has been unfaithful, A switch that triggers potent emotions like rage, shock, depression, shame and anger would automatically be turned on. All these emotions  would take over in a matter of hours after the confirmation. You would most likely be overwhelmed with the thought of ending the marriage; then, next moment you might become desperate in saving it. At such instance, you need to calm down and  take things calmly.You have to first understand that it is not your fault. There is no excuse so great as to make anyone cheat on the vow made before God and Man. You might find yourself in a pool of questions, but answers might not come your way. 

2. Space . 

It can be an intense circumstance to discover the affair. When emotions are high, it is best that you give each other space or  timeout from each other so you can let the fire die down without hurting one another. Especially if children are involved. Children get worried easily and so you wouldn't want to trouble them with this issue. 

3.Seek Counsel. 

If you have discovered that your partner is unfaithful , you have to tell someone.This is something that you should and need not go through all by yourself. More than ever, it is at this moment when you need to confide and share your thoughts and feelings to  a trusted counselor or spiritual leader. Their nonjudgmental and objective insights will help you in clearing your head. You will be able to  get your life together , calm down and heal faster to put the affair on the right perspective. 

4.Take Time.

You should not be in a hurry to delve into sensitive details of this infidelity. You have to give  it time . Time to heal , time to weigh your options , time to make a decision, time to be okay. Discussions should be deferred until both of you can  converse positively without prejudice or judgement.

RELATED POSTS: WRONG REASONS TO GET MARRIED  | WHY CHEATERS CHEAT

5.Making Amends

Recovery from an affair is not simple. It is a process that will go on and on until the wounds have healed and  the final shards of pain has been eliminated . To help you in the process of healing, you must take the necessary steps. 

6.Taking Responsibility.

 If you were the one who cheated, you have to take the responsibility for the wrong actions you have done. Taking responsibility is understanding that you have faltered and there is no excuse, it is not about pushing or passing the blame or trying to vindicate yourself while in harms' way. You must end the  affair; stopping any interaction and communication with the third party involved. 

RELATED POST: SIGNS OF INFIDELITY

7. Honesty. 

When  you have recovered from the initial shock then you can deal with the problem at hand with a positive attitude; discuss and talk about what took place. You should be honest and open and true to yourself even if it is very difficult to talk or to listen because of the intense pain. 

8.Losing to Win.

 Saving the marriage after acts of infidelity is something that both  parties need to agree upon without compromise and set deal breakers. It is not  right or wise that you are the only one who wants the marriage to continue while your spouse actually wants  out. If things are going this way, then the marriage is good as ended. The recovery and settlement of things may take long. Nonetheless, if you share a common goal of reconciliation, you can both give your utmost commitment, energy and time to help each other heal.

READ:After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful,.

RELATED POSTS: GET YOUR EX BACK | HOW TO GET OVER YOUR EX

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LETTER TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND

Dear Future husband,

Future husband

I thank God for the courage to write this
letter to you which is partly inspired by
other letters that I have read.  It has really taken a long journey to get to this
place of being able to write to you. I have
lived  most of my life in misconception of
what a husband is and is to be. I grew up
believing Men are liars, cheats, abusive,
selfish and disrespectful to women. I believed that we were the “weaker sex”
who deserved nothing  in life. And in my
delusion, I travelled  the path of sin and
perched my nest in the valley of darkness.  I went about life trying to be a perfect instrument for someone else. I went
around seeking for what I thought was
the ideal kind of man until Jesus found
me. He brought me out of the miry clay
and opened my eyes.  He let me know
that I was wonderfully and fearfully created and he had plans for a future and a
glorious end for me. He showed me that I
don’t have to see  myself , the way my
environment sees me but how he has
made me. He helped me forgo the hurt,
the shame and the pain of the past and
gave me the hope of a brighter, better
day which cannot be cut short. I am
whole . I have now let go of my pastalong with all my erroneous and worldly beliefs,  I
now know that a true husband is the one that would
love his wife, the way
Christ loves the Church. And that a God driven marriage is the one where we would both
complement each other and support each other in fulfilling our God given destiny. My beloved, I want you also to let go of all your
worldly misconceptions of women, all the kind
you read in secular lifestyle magazines, because I am simply different from that. I
would also like you to let go of any hurt or
pain that may get in your way of showing
love and care for your wife and family. Surrendering your pain to God and let him heal
you. I would not judge you because I know
you would not be perfect.
I am learning new things, developing myself

everyday, spiritually, mentally and physically. I have now started to feed my soul, spirit
and mind, instead of hitherto just feeding my
body. Because I have come to realize that you
wouldn’t marry me for my body alone, but for
my heart, my mind and the spirit of God inside of me.  Now  I can see clearly and I know
that in due time, God would bring us together
Your future wife

Read : Prayers & Notes To My Future Husband

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