WRONG REASONS TO GET MARRIED

Marriage is beautiful. However in recent times, we  have seen the great decline in straight marriages all across the world.
     Marriage, the once beautiful fruit seems to have left a bitter taste in the mouth of so many. “Why do I have to put up with someone else all my life?”, Jacqueline 28 had responded. A lot of people around the world have resorted to living together and open relationships. Why the decline in marriage can be linked to decline in earning power of men, protection of personal wealth and assets which might be lost in marriage and other behavioral abnormalities and beliefs. One of the major reasons for decline in the rate of marriage and increase in the rate of failed marriages are that people get into marriage for all the wrong reasons. They give themselves all the wrong reasons to get married and what makes these reasons wrong is that they cannot sustain a marriage and would rather bring an abrupt end to a marriage. We are going to explain a few here. 

1. Lust:

 One of the many  wrong reasons to  get  married is lust. It also happens to be the commonest reason why people get married. The thought of having a magazine cover girl or a well ripped athlete all to yourself might seem nice enough. The prospect of eroticism and sexual prowess that would be enjoyed  exclusively in the marriage also seems most of the time to blind individual from obvious signs of incompatibility and lack of communication whatsoever , all needed for marriage to succeed.  Everything seems to boil down to physicality in a lust filled relationship .Lust is one of the  wrong reasons to get married. Because it eventually wears out  and the marriage ends even before it starts.

If you marry me, i'm going to do nasty things to you each night until you weep.

2. Infatuation:

 Ever heard of the term” love at first sight”. Experts say that is a typical example of infatuation. You know it’s infatuation, when you are constantly thinking of how to reveal yourself to the other person based on your idealized vision of the other person. You immediately lose all form of security in yourself and are consumed with the thought of the other person liking you. You can't take your ground because you don’t want to lose the person. You basically work on egg shells doing everything in your power to recreate yourself for the person. Infatuation is what most love songs, and films portray as love, where you lose all sense of individuality and drown in this exhaustive experience. Infatuation, one of the wrong reasons to get married would sap out life from you, it would put your life goals and sense of individuality on hold and when you don’t get back the “so called love” you believe you deserve or your partner is not as infatuated as you are. You lose it, the whole marriage comes crashing down. Infatuation ends as fast as it starts. Getting married within weeks of first meeting each other is one of the surest signs of infatuation. 

3. Following the norm:

It is believed in most parts of the world that marriage is compulsory and is some kind of achievement and so every youth must eventually work towards that. Following the norm is also one of the wrong reasons to get married. Marriage is work and should be between two consenting adults who understand what they are going into and are ready to make it work and make it last. If you are not ready for that, there is no point following the norm of getting married just because you are expected to or because you love the idea of marriage itself or the fear of remaining unmarried because everybody is getting married. Marriage is beautiful but the aftermath of a broken marriage is like a scar that never erases even when you remarry. Do not allow yourself to be put under any pressure to marry by friends, relatives, parents or coworkers until you are ready to spend the rest of your life with someone you love, sans lust and infatuation.

4. Forcing Commitment:

One of the wrong reasons to get married which is also very common among the female folks is the need to force your partner into commitment to prevent being jilted in the future. Commitment should be gone into willingly and no one should be coerced into commitment. Marriage should not feel like a prison, it should be beautiful and enjoyed.  You would be wise enough to skip certain activities or functions until marriage to increase the value and incentives for marriage but not putting your partner  into a leash where he or she would be dragged into commitment under duress. Marriage should celebrate individuality as well as togetherness and forcing commitment would build marriage on a wrong foundation which would eventually send it tumbling down.

5. Money: 

This is arguably the most common of all the wrong reasons to get married. Financial security that a marriage can offer drives a lot of people into marriages they would otherwise not have gone into. This reason seems acceptable and laudable and a lot of people would applaud a lady who marries into money but the trick is,most monies comes with a lot of issues and the money in most cases is not worth the price of loneliness, unworthiness, paranoia and family feud that you have to put up with. Worst off, when there is a pre-nup. For the money bag, marrying someone because you possess the money you believe the other person needs would only be successful as long as the your partner, fails to apply themselves and make enough income on their own to fuel their sense of individuality and freedom. There has been several cases where a lady marries into money only to get some opportunities of applying herself and getting financial rewards on her own during the course of the marriage and then bailing on the marriage, or totally shifting all focus to herself and her money making enterprise.

What is the point of marrying some broke ass guy with potentials?

6. Escape Route:

  Taking marriage as an escape route to leave a town, a city , your family or relatives is also one of the wrong reasons to get married. The purpose of marriage far transcends that and going into a marriage because  of such trivial reasons is asking for trouble. Find ways of dealing with people you don’t want in your life other than getting married and getting whisked away into a new world filled with new challenges and discoveries that marriage offers.

RELATED POSTS: 8 MEN TO NEVER MARRY | 8 LADIES NOT TO MARRY

7. Pity Party

 Marrying someone out of pity is also one of the wrong reasons to get married and it ranks as one of the dumbest too. Feeling sorry and feeling responsible for someone is good enough, marrying them for that is just straight up dumb. Marriage is more precious than a relationship based on pity except of course the person in question  has about 6 hours after the wedding to live, then you can be over your dumb decision  in 6 hours otherwise you would have to spend the rest of your existence feeling dumb and dumber and it would be way worse to break out of such relationship because you would look worse than when you went in. This is also as dumb as marrying someone with the hope of changing them into your lifestyle, your religion or your culture. Even if they show early signs of tagging along, remember that is what it is, tagging along, not change, marriage is not supposed to impose a change on anyone. It would only go so far before you start wishing being run down by a high speed train.

This guy's picture pops up when you google, "marrying out of pity" because
he is the first African to claim he married out of pity. He also
happens to be an Actor who came to limelight after marriage.

8. Cultural beliefs: 

 A lot of Asian marriages fall under this category. This still doesn't change the fact that it is one of the wrong reasons to get married. Marrying to maintain some bogus cultural belief is absolutely ridiculous and synonymous to punishment. Marriage is supposed to be based on love, friendship, companionship, togetherness and fun, not some pre-arranged culture preserving mediocre where participants have to live with each other, get used to each other and resort to fate. While this kinds of marriage seldom end in divorce due to the fear of the same cultural beliefs that started it in the first place, it leads to a life of unfulfillment , loss of the sense of individuality and lack of emotional expression and togetherness. This is also as bad as limiting your choice of a marriage partner due to cultural reasons, geographical location, language or race.

This guy doesn't know the middle name of his bride but who cares?
They are cute and they would spend the rest of their lives together
miserably happily married.

9. Pregnancy:

 Having a baby on the way is one of the wrong reasons to get married. This reason ranks high in African Countries. This is because procreation has been falsely thought to be sole reason for marriage in these countries , especially west Africa. And most women mess  with the thought of literally trapping a man into marrying them by getting pregnant. This reason is as dangerous as it sounds, don’t put yourself in such dangerous situations. While it is not advisable for children to be born out of wedlock due to some future psychological issues postulated by experts, putting the weight of marriage on an unborn fetus is not a good idea and is a recipe for a marriage that would not stand the test of time.

10. Parental issues: 

Marrying to satisfy your parents and relatives also counts as one of the wrong reasons to get married , so is marrying to hurt your parents. No parent in his  or her right mind should force a child to get married for their own selfish benefits and no right thinking child should also go ahead and exchange vows with the sole intention of pissing off the parent. Marriage would come with it’s own issues and challenges, secondary issues might prove too difficult to handle in a marriage. The “ us against the world” mentality more often than not ends badly and no marriage should be put under such unnecessary additional pressure.

11. Fortune Telling:

As ridiculous as this may sound to someone in America or United Kingdom, sooth saying , oracles and fortune telling, whatever you call it is a very common way of finding a marriage partner in Asia and Africa. The commonest way is by bringing pictures of random potential spouses to the fortune teller who then points out the "victim's' soulmate. Getting married based on the prediction of a fortune teller is one of the many wrong reasons to get married. 

12. Exercising a Right

Another one of the numerous wrong reasons to get married is to exercise a right or law that had just been passed. 30 years back ,some marriages taking place today in some parts of the world were totally illegal, now some new laws have been passed in certain countries and this is usually followed by mass weddings. There is much more to marriage than exercising a right, because soon, you might also be exercising the right to divorce.

13. Needing Assistance.

It is always said that "two heads are better than one" but the fact remains that if one head cannot function independently on it's own , it would be no good even when it has another one to work with. One of the many wrong reasons to get married is the need to get assistance, in running your daily life.You need help cleaning your house, fixing your food, running errands, changing the door knob and taking out the trash , then get a maid. Marriage is so much more than the need to get things done around the house. Marriage is meant for those who have found independence and then intend to co-depend because of the right reasons to get married .

14. Marrying for citizenship and other benefits.

Marrying someone to get a citizenship to a better country is also becoming one of the most common wrong reasons to get married.You would become a citizen quite alright but then in most cases it ends badly.

The above are all wrong reasons to get married because they usually end the marriage abruptly or rob the participants of the immense joy and happiness that marriage brings. Before signing on those dotted lines, it is important to note these reasons and either proceed  with or call off the wedding . Before you get married , you need to know about the choices in relationship. Read Choices in Relationships: An Introduction to Marriage and the Family
 

Now we've unconsciously given you more excuses to bail out of your relationships. Jerks!

RELATED POSTS: HOW TO GET OVER YOUR EX | PARASITIC RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU IN ONE

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WHY MEN ARE ADDICTED TO PORN

I am writing my project and watching porn on the side.

These days due to technology advancement and easy accessibility, more and more men are addicted to porn. Porn though unproductive is very addictive and being addicted to porn is no different from being addicted to heroine.One of the tasks a man  or accountability partner to someone who is addicted to pornography is to help them understand their own heart.

Why do they run to porn again and again?

READ: HOW PORNOGRAPHY HIJACKS THE MALE BRAIN.



 The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water” (we often can’t see our own motivations), “but a man of understanding will draw it out”. A  Man needs help to draw out the deeper motivations they are unable or unwilling to see in themselves.

It is important to understand the allure of pornography: What is the inner attractions that make men like porn and coming back to it again and again? What are good accountability questions we can ask to get to the root of the problem?

1. Porn is easy, but relationships are hard.

Relationships, especially our closest relationships, involve work.

Every day we are required to care what’s going on in others’ lives. We must put up with sour moods, offensive behavior and selfishness—both in ourselves and in others.

In contrast, porn offers men a feeling of risk-free intimacy.

Pornography offers men a fantasy world where they are required to know nobody, require no romance and no self-sacrifice for the benefit of others. And for many men the payoff is great: not only can they avoid the messiness of real relationships, they can also feel the delight of a million virtual women catering to their every whim thereby making them addicted to porn.

 Has there been a relationship in your life recently that has been unusually difficult? This may be one of the reasons you are one of the men watching porn excessively.

2. Porn is comfortable, but life is stressful.

In life things go wrong. Expectations are frustrated. People let us down. Tragedies happen. We get sick. We get tired. We get into sharp disagreements. Life is stressful.

Pornography, by contrast, offers a very comfortable world where nothing goes wrong. Porn offers a ready-made setting where we know we will get exactly what we want . The porn industry a multi billion dollar industry thrives on this fact . It aims to get people especially men addicted to porn.

Of course, we know it’s fake. It’s like professional wrestling or “reality” TV. As Chris Hedges says in his book Empire of Illusion, the success of these forms of entertainment lies not in fooling the men watching porn that these stories are real. “Rather, it succeeds because these men watching porn ask to be fooled. They happily pay for the chance to suspend reality.” The constant need to suspend reality makes a lot of men addicted to porn.

RELATED POSTS: ADDICTED TO PORN AND LOVING IT | PORN STAR FINDS GOD

3. Porn is “exciting”, but life is “boring”.

The word “boredom” first started being used by French authors when they wrote about that feeling of discontentment when life gets tedious.

While the feeling of boredom has probably always been around, it is only in the last 300 years we have seen it become a social epidemic. Blaise Pascal said boredom is the plight of a modern man when “he lacks distraction and has no absorbing passion or pastime.”

Boredom is one of the fruit of a leisure culture. As wealth and free time increase, so does our hunger for distraction. The hunger for distraction  in men is one of the reasons men like porn.

As we come to expect constant stimulation and excitement, the day-to-day can seem dull by comparison. With Google at our fingertips, information is everywhere, but we easily become detached, anonymous spectators, rarely taking risks of vulnerable involvement or passionate commitment—rarely acting on what we know.

Culturally we are guilty of what Dorothy Sayers calls the sin of tolerance, “the sin that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, interferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing and remains alive because there is nothing for which it will die.”

Pornography offers a world of sexual excitement to the bored minds of men who like porn. Porn is a highly sexualized form of the image-based culture in which we live, a world where billions of pictures are painting a thousand words at break-neck speeds. Porn offers a fantasy of pure sexual stimulation, a fantasy that leaves it’s victims addicted to porn.

 Have you found yourself bored or itching for excitement? Do you feel like your life is mundane? That may be the reason you are addicted to porn, your life sucks! Get up out of your seat and set your world in motion.

4. Pornography makes men feel “powerful”, but real life makes them feel powerless.

It is easy to feel small in the world. We intuitively know the world does not revolve around us, but this doesn’t stop us from wishing it did. We want others to pay attention to us, to treat us as important, to put us first. This desire can be so strong at times we can actually begin to feel entitled to it: We want a little corner of the world where we are kings.

Pornography offers men a deluge of power. In a man’s porn-fed fantasy, the girls never say no. In pornography there are no social barriers between a man and the woman of his dreams that is why men like porn. Pornography sells the idea that beautiful women are trophies—collectibles that show the watching world what a real man really is. Pornography also sexualizes male dominance, allowing men to fantasize about a world where women enjoy being treated as objects. “Have you been in any situations recently that made you feel belittled, unimportant, or disrespected? this could be the reason you are addicted to porn.

Get up and take charge of your life.

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WHEN BOYS BECOME MEN: 10 MISTAKES MEN MAKE

WHEN BOYS BECOME MEN: 10 MISTAKES MEN MAKE

Most of the mistakes men make today are the ones they were never taught to avoid as boys.  It is inevitable, man would grow and when he does  it is usually beyond most people’s expectation, because humans are always in the habit of using a singular moment of one’s life in predicting every other period of the  person’s life, talk about mistakes men make, forgetting the fact that seasons change and so does circumstances.  Opportunity arises and status change. With hard work, time, chance, prayer and opportunity, boys become self-sufficient but time after time, they are ten crucial mistakes men make which is repeated generation after generation. Here we count them down.

10 .   THEY GET FAT: 

Fat black man-

Fat man-I am wearing double coated spandex

Boys after they begin to earn some money and generally leave school, begin to eat more, as they have more money to spend and most of the time their jobs deprives them of constant exercise which was normally done in school when reading, walking from one lecture theatre to the other, eating moderately and all was the order of the day. It is also pertinent to note that the African society also encourages this mistake men make, they see a man with bulging stomach as a well fed man. As a result our young handsome boys go out of shape and become heap loads of junk. This is a great mistake because the disadvantages far outweighs the advantages, apart from the fact that people may tend to respect you more because you look older than your age (fatter), you are causing great hazards to yourself and this would really begin to show when you hit 40. Apart from the general weakness ,laziness and constant sweating  associated with fat, bad breath, arthritis , high blood pressure, hypertension, muscles cramps and all would definitely shorten the life of an obese ,unfit and lazy man .This is by far the commonest and deadliest one of all the mistakes men make . Ask yourself, have you ever seen a fat old lady or a fat old man? We are talking 70s and 80s. Only in literature books, what happened to the fat ones? They are dead. The typical black man associates eating with enjoyment, most people across the world eat to stay alive and give them nutrients, but over here most people just make their meal sections a knock out section. Eat moderately, lay off alcohol and exercise. Don’t make this mistake men make.

9. SPEND MONEY ON GIRLFRIENDS: 

Now I get all the love i missed in my childhood even
though i have to pay.

When boys become young men, most of them refuse to get married or as it is sometimes called “settle down”  but prefer to have string of girlfriends who would ask them for recharge cards, allowances ,vacation trips, house rents and all. They extend their bachelorhood, claiming they are trying to find the right person, or they are not ready to settle down yet. This mistake men make leads to the loss of valuable resources which would otherwise have helped build a family. Ladies always like flocking around young men for one benefit or the other and most young men, waste their time and money enjoying the attention.

8. REFUSING TO GROW UP: 

The boy man- Who needs a life when you have video games?

There is a bit of immaturity in every male child. It is common to see young men, do all the things they were not allowed to do as kids, continuing in their childhood behaviours because they are now on their own. It is not uncommon to see young men who hitherto have never kept late nights, always rose up earlier, dressed moderately, used clean language , drove cars carefully, change all because there is no longer a strong parental or mentor presence. They go ahead to counter that verse that says the child that is trained in a certain way would not depart from it. This mistake men make results in the young men finally learning for themselves why they were prevented from hitherto living their lives according to their juvenile thoughts and spontaneous behaviours and even though experience is said to be the best teacher, some things (circumstances) are better,” not experienced”. Don’t make this mistake men make.

  or a wife?

7. BID FAREWELL TO SPIRITUALITY:  “ boys  would always be boys”, this statement seem to accept the shortcomings of the male and even give room for  the mistakes men make by the concluding nature of it. Boys would not always be boys, there would be a time when they would become men, and in the bible which we always reference, we read the phrase “ and I sought for a man” not a boy. Most young men make the mistake of abandoning the things of God and relieving themselves of the devotion to his word and all forms of spirituality. It is a fact that boys don’t go to places of worship as much as their female counterparts, but it becomes even worse when there is a job or a commitment somewhere else, these men would give their best in their respective jobs but become visiting Christians in church .  The problem with this is that they lose the cover and power enjoyed from continuous fellowship with God and they unconsciously expose their lives and families to danger and also let their spirit man die leading to grievous results. This is also one of the deadliest mistakes men make, forgetting the fact that man is a spirit being and we need to nurture our spirituality as much as our body.

This is also a game in Japan involving chains and a ball

6. CHANGE THEIR BELIEFS: This mistake men make is just like the previous, but it is of a different form, when boys become men, one of the greatest mistake men make is that they change their beliefs and conviction over certain germane issues. This is mainly due to the environment they find themselves, where they see people who are somewhat of a success story in their chosen career who don’t have the same principles as they do but still seem to be succeeding. So issues such as  immorality, womanising, alcohol ingestion, corporate lie telling , ruthlessness and all others like it are imbibed into their once squeaky clean personality, because since the boss is doing it, “what is good for the goose is also good for the gender?. The problem with this is that such people end up being victims of demonic oppression and soul harvesting. They miss out on God’s own  blessing for their lives  which added no sorrow.

5. WASTE RESOURCES ON CHILDHOOD FANTASIES: 

All I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe(logram)

it is not uncommon to see young men, who waste their hard earned money on childhood fantasies and forming of new expensive habits.  This is usually fuelled by the pop culture and entertainment world motivation. It is pertinent to note that most young men are not financially wise, that includes even the ones that work in financial institutions. Instead of constant investing of excess cash, they waste them getting things they have craved for when they were much younger not knowing that their expenditure is bound to increase with the advent of a personal family. It is not uncommon to see young men who are regarded by the public as being in a well-paid job borrowing money before pay day. This is a very common mistake men make and it leads them to poverty and makes them end up as irresponsible husbands and fathers.

4. KEEP UP WITH THE JONESES: Most young men get into unnecessary rivalry and contest with friends, being the first to buy a car or spend money on an expensive item; most times it is usually done unconsciously which makes it very difficult to curb. The problem with this mistake men make is that the young man loses sense of purpose for his life and makes silly and childish decisions which leads to a lot of regrets and problems in the future.

3. MARRY BY LUST, (HER RACKS ARE  BIGGER) : 

Lust- I know you are not right for me, but just look at you
Who cares?

one of the global errors made by the male folk is judging the opposite sex by their physical appearance.  When you go to the grocery store  to buy Apple, it is very common to pick the apple that looks fine and smooth but in some cases some of them would end up harbouring soft brown patches when eaten. That is how humans are .it would be so silly for any man to get in a relationship with any one just because of their looks or physical attributes. There is no face so beautiful that would not have wrinkles later on, likewise every other part. Every young man is to seek God’s face and find inner piece concerning his intended spouse, if God doesn't say yes don’t take them to the altar. Pray to know God’s will concerning your intended spouse and he would answer you speedily. When men marry based on lust, they expose themselves to a troubled marriage and future, because the marriage lasts longer than the lust and when what brought you together is no more. The marriage becomes a living hell. Don’t make this mistake men make.

2. BECOME PROUD: 

I hope this picture is good enough to let people know i make 6 figures.

 Young men change with changing status, the male is naturally born with ego and this skyrockets when he starts getting some favourable returns in his line of business or chosen career. It is common to see young men, who listen to nobody, seeks advice from nobody and generally do things their own way. They gauge themselves by themselves for themselves. They understand not that there is nothing man has in this world that he has not been given, that the race is not for the swift but it is the Lord who shows mercy to man. They continue in their state of pride and become enemies of God, because our God , the only living God hates the proud with a passion and he brings them low, and who can save you , if God is the one bringing you down?. Another way to put this is that  the forces of nature would constantly go against the proud.

1. DEPEND ON THE ARM OF FLESH: Men are very practical creatures, and so they like being logical and realistic in all they do, but in all their logic they sometimes  leave out their lives when dealing with God. They separate their work from God not knowing that God is as concerned about their work , their life and all as much as he is concerned about their soul. So they look unto certain people for something and  leave God out of it. They rely on connections, contacts and groups for certain advancements in their lives while they look up to God only for their soul nourishment. They take up jobs, appointments, contracts and get married without seeking the mind of God, and letting God lead them in life. This is a very grievous mistake , because God created man and has the blueprint of his life with him. Man in himself doesn’t know his full potential, he only just tries to discover it day after day. God knows man’s destiny and can also direct him in what to do and what not to do.  This is totally summed up in proverbs 3: 1-8. Don’t make this mistake men make. The result of young men doing things on their own can be derived from this above passage as short life, poverty, disfavour, bad name in the sight of God and man, crooked paths , ill health and weak bones.

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter, fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.  

Read:  He'll Be Ok: Growing Gorgeous Boys Into Good Men

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