PARASITIC RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU IN ONE?

I'll see you later in the day, i'm getting married now

Parasitic Relationship: Are you in one?

Relationships are meant to be mutual. The ideal relationship should benefit both parties involved in one way or the other, while some relationships are consensual  where only one party benefits and the other party is neither benefiting or losing, there are the parasitic relationships in which one party is benefitting at the expense of the other. Science tells us a lot about parasites and if we dare to look closely at a lot of relationships we would see  clearly defined traits in some parties  synonymous to parasites.

First science tells us there are two kinds of parasites, the macro parasites . Macro parasites live  different stages of their lives in different hosts. They come in, suck the host dry then move unto another stage of their life in another host who can support that next life stage. The same applies to some parasitic relationships , a party sees all the benefits they can derive from another party and then cozen them into a relationship. A typical example of this is recent case of an African Young Man that went out with a girl that paid his fees with the hope of getting married to him only to leave her after he graduated , a similar case is that of a  guy that goes out with a girl in school, so that he can get a place to keep his stuff and also get  free homemade food and immediately breaks off the relationship when he is out of school , to date another chick who can put a good word for him in the company she works.

Another kind of parasites are the micro parasites which can be transferred from one host to another through all forms of contact. The same applies to individuals who move from person to person within a short span of time hoping to get a better benefit than they are already getting from their present relationship. 

Parasites get into parasitic relationships with the hope of getting love, affection, attention, companionship, material things, money, social and economic benefits and career development without bringing anything to the relationship table and would only remain in that relationship as long as they continually receive those benefits or don’t find any better option that offers those same benefits. They may also leave the relationship as soon as they are no longer in need of the  benefits they were in the relationship for .

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How do you know you are in a parasitic relationship?

Pin pointing a parasitic relationship requires the individual involved to first come to the knowledge and understanding of themselves, their goals, their dreams and wishes in life. If at any point in the relationship you feel you have to let go of your goals, your dreams in life in favour of the other person’s  goals and dreams then you are in a parasitic relationship. Worse still, is if you have to hang in your boots and divert all your energy into the other parties goals and wishes .

In a relationship, both parties are supposed to meet halfway over almost everything and anything, but if in a relationship, you discover that one party is only in it for the benefits that  they can get and is in most cases useless to the other party then that is a parasitic relationship. To bring it home, Lola says she realized she was in a parasitic relationship when she took a break from herself to analyse her relationship critically. She was providing her boyfriend shelter, love, care, affection, basic needs, cleaning his clothes and keeping his stuff and he was doing nothing for her. He couldn't even help run errands, fix things in the house they were both living in and couldn't even stick up for her in times when she needed him, like when she was sick and he was out all day, probably to avoid her. Most relationships out there today are basically parasitic . The disadvantage of being in a parasitic relationship is that it always ends with the parasitic partner leaving the host devoid of love , trust and self esteem. If you are in a relationship, list out all the benefits, you feel the other party is getting from being with you, and then list out all the benefits you are getting from the other party, if the ratio of benefits don’t fall among 30:70, 40:60……..70:30

You can use a black board instead of a paper

then you are in a parasitic relationship.  When such is discovered you should go ahead and communicate your findings to your partner  or eventually end the relationship  if no adjustment is made or in some cases improve on your weakness by finding new ways of affecting your partner positively if you are  the parasitic one.


Experts say the parasitic nature of humans can in fact be  traced down to their upbringing.They claim Individuals who grew up without any family responsibilities or parental supervision and direction may develop into  immature adults ,  never gaining a conscious awareness and understanding  of the needs of others. This also applies to individuals that had to live in a home or with a family where they were seen as an incidental member of the family  where the individual's individuality was dismissed . This environmental behavior promotes a lack of empathy in the adult and they may believe that people are sources of resources from which they are supposed to get from  rather than emotional beings that deserve time, love and support.

The parasite usually  evolves overtime to be an expert at using people around them, and then discarding them when they're usefulness has been depleted. Many people often hold on to parasitic relationships with the hope  of a future benefit  like marriage, future gratitude and homage. Most times these expectations fall short, because a parasite thinks only about himself or herself. When parasitic relationships are to be broken off, the parasite often times would go into survival mode cussing, and threatening with anger and betrayal if they don't  continue to get their benefits but in such situations you have to stand your ground and do not be moved. Parasitic relationships are not worth it , get out of it while you can.

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HOW TO GET OUT OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

No it is not a lion, it's an abuser.

Abusive relationships are getting more rampant with each passing day. Here is how to get out of abusive relationships if you are in one already.

1.       Awareness: This is the first step in getting out of abusive relationships, being aware that you are in one. The constant denial would do you no good. You have to understand that it is not your fault; no one deserves to be abused for any reason whatsoever. You have an obligation to yourself to be truthful to yourself about the abuse in your relationship.
Read: Signs that you are in an abusive relationship

Now you don't have to wait for this before you know
you are in an abusive relationship.

2.       Avoiding abuse Triggers: In your awareness, you should also identify the triggers that cause abuse and try as much as possible to avoid them while you can. You have to step up to the challenge without fear or agitation. Avoid the discussions that might result into assault or the behavior that triggers such abuse. This would help in saving you from all potential harm. However you should not let the abuse dampen your spirit or give you a troubled mind, because you would begin to transmit such negative energy which would be picked up by your abuser and then he or she would find new excuses or new reasons to abuse you apart from the ones you are already avoiding. Keep  your head high, radiate positive energy , love and care. Develop your mind, don’t lose yourself to self pity.

get over self pity, and don't tell him you are not in the mood
that's going to earn you a slap.

3.       Seek a counselor:  There are times all efforts to avoid abuse would be futile. Seeking a counselor is a very good option. It doesn’t have to be a professional dressed in a suit and tie in an high end office. It could just be someone who is more matured and well grounded . Someone who knows a lot more about relationships. There are lots of regulated advice forums that you could join for advice. A counselor would be able to give you specific instructions as pertaining to your unique case of abuse in your relationship.

Now you can't do this if he has prosthetic
limbs or a gun or both.

4.       Getting even:  Although, this is very controversial and a lot of people have argued that it may put you in more danger. Getting even is still advised in some cases. First you have to understand that you don’t have to be the devil or a monster because you are trying to defend yourself, but, most abusers are weaklings, trying to find validation by oppressing other people. Getting even might simply be reporting the abuser to specific authorities that would put him in check. There was a case of a woman who went to her husband’s place of work and reported him to his boss, who was a respected and disciplined person. The boss then, threatened the abuser of losing his job if he ever had such negative reports. Things changed after that. There are so many other more drastic getting even methods that we cannot put here but some worked tremendously. Getting even generally requires balls, which most abused victims lack in the first instance anyway.

I am Escaping by rail from my high school lover

5.       Running away: This is the most commonly advised step of all steps to take in getting out of an abusive relationship. It involves secret planning, taking into consideration, expenses, how to cope with the future and how to move on and the fact that you might be constantly pursued by your abuser. This is usually much more difficult when children are involved. Even though you might live the rest of your life looking over your shoulders and in paranoia, it is better than having no shoulders anymore.

Some times you always feel like this, even though you are miles away
from your abuser.

6.       Learn your lessons: it is not just enough to deal with abusive relationships , you have to learn your lessons, and there is always something to learn from every situation. While it is mostly not the victim’s fault in cases of abuse, there are some ways in which the victim could have acted to prevent it. You also have to check that you are not in some kind of pattern in your family line or you are constantly attracted to the wrong kind of person. There are always lessons to learn in every situation, if you don’t learn anything in a poignant situation as abuse in relationship then it is probably going to happen again. 

Read: Dysfunctional Relationships: Learn About The Characteristics of Dysfunctional Relationships, Getting Out Of A Dysfunctional Relationship And What Exactly is a Healthy Relationship?

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SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

Words are as strong as the fist.

The statistics of domestic homicide  as a result of being in an abusive relationship has increased in recent years . It has become rampant in celebrities and commoners alike, while celebrity cases graze the pages of newspapers and magazines, others happen and are often swept under the carpet. It is often  impossible to think that , the once passionate and fun filled relationship could turn abusive but the records prove otherwise as 1 in 3 youth  report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. A lot of victims of abusive relationships however keep this secret from most people until they eventually lose their limbs, their face or their life. Most of them are usually blinded to the screaming signs of abuse in their relationship while others simply ignore it  claiming  " no one is perfect". Abuse in relationships are of diverse kinds, the most indexed is the physical abuse,which involves physically hurting a partner. There are however other forms of abuse in relationships such as sexual abuse, emotional abuse and  verbal abuse.

Sexual abusive relationships are those relationship where a partner is constantly forced to have sexual intercourse against his or her will,or carry out sexual acts that are otherwise considered inappropriate by the partner, a common example of this is forcing a partner to perform oral sex against their will .A recent survey among youths in America showed that 1 in 4  girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse by their partners.

Emotional abusive relationships are the most common but least recognised . It involves relegating the self worth and independence of the victim by his or her partner through diverse ways like isolation and controlling behaviour

Verbal Abusive relationships which is often grouped under emotional abusive relationships but rather has a life of it's own involves yelling, name calling, shaming and blaming especially among friends and relatives. This is usually the initial form of abuse in the relationship before it steps up a notch to emotional , then sexual  and finally physical abuse.

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There are always signs of  potentially abusive relationship but are often ignored or not recognized for what they are. Here are a few of them.

A boy being a product of an abusive relationship.

1.History and  Background : People with abusive family background are more likely to be in abusive relationships than people who  haven't ever experienced abuse.There is a 60% chance that a boy who grew up in a house where his father was always putting his mother down would do the same in the nearest future,and a girl who was always caught in cross fires at a young age is more likely to be involved in an abusive relationship, there is no scientific evidence to back this up other than a noticeable generational pattern in the life of humans.

A partner that has also abused someone in the past is more likely to repeat it with another especially if he got away with the first abuse. No matter how angelic and romantic your partner seems, if he or she abused his or her last partner or ex, then it is just a matter of time before you start experiencing such if the issue is not addressed squarely.

2. Compulsive Love: There are certain subliminal actions taken by lovers that only point to the fact that they need their head checked. Most often times it is regarded as being romantic. A recent case where a man sold his own kidneys to get his girlfriend a diamond wedding ring in Ukraine is nothing short of a compulsive love. This kind of love would eventually lead to being in an abusive relationship. The issue here is , one partner loves another so much to the extent of harming himself or herself, once this gesture is not met with the presumed appropriate appreciation at any point in time in the relationship, it is immediately replaced with self loathe and loathe for the partner and   one who could harm himself would not hesitate to harm another. Being in a  relationship where a partner threatens to commit suicide if dumped is like sitting on gun powder.

NO! " Don't even ask me why.

3.Controlling Behaviour: A relationship where one partner is so insecure, he or she monitors where you go to, limits your friends and family contact, acts excessively jealous and possessive, is an abusive relationship. If at any time you feel you have to walk on egg shells around your partner or being in a constant state of fear of your partner, or unable to call your partner to order if you feel you have been wronged then you are obviously enduring an abusive relationship.

It would be cruel to write a joke here

4. Degrading attitude: If all your partner does is complain about your faults,treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see, make you feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner until you eventually start believing that you deserve to be hurt or abused by your partner, you are  in an abusive relationship.

5. Violent Nature: If your partner has a violent Nature and is prone to fights and tantrums, it may be a sign that you are in an abusive relationship. Most times it starts with others apart from you, road side strangers, office workers, subordinates, colleagues and even family members. You initially see yourself as the exception, the one who supposedly calms them down when the issues arise.As time goes on, you would also be a victim . It usually starts with a slap or a violent kick, then they immediately apologize and make up, only for it to happen again. It is advisable not to turn the other cheek in this situation.

Read:The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

6. Verbal/Physical Torture: If your partner ever threatens to kill or hurt you and constantly yells at you , forces you to have sex in an unedifying way or goes ahead to blame you for their abusive nature. You have to run out of there while you still can before the cops are called in to identify a dead body.

or here

Being in an abusive relationship is nothing to be ashamed of, be truthful to yourself and yourself only and take the necessary steps. Here is how to get out of an abusive relationship

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