ElijahForce ElijahForce
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Tuesday 9 September 2014

LETTER TO THE GIRL I NEVER CALLED BACK

Letter to the Girl I never called back.
Hello Lady,
http://elijahforce.blogspot.com/2014/09/letter-to-girl-i-never-called-back.html

I know by now, you must have  been desperately waiting for my call, checking your phone every other minute only to discover , it’s some dumb telemarketer on the phone. Well, I’ve got news for you, stop waiting. The call is never coming, at least not from me. I would not want to tell you the same old story that dick heads tell you, you know, the “it’s me ,not you” excuse. No!, I would be bold enough to out rightly tell you, it’s you.

First of all, I don’t know how much belief you have in online dating but I think you pushed it way too far looking for a life partner. I know it works for a lot of people but for an average fun seeking guy like me, it was a fun seeking adventure and your profile did justice to that, you seemed to be fun giving and adventurous.  Judging by your picture of your visit to Ibiza, I felt you would be as free as a bird. Meeting you changed all that feeling, you literally came with a brush and a canvas to paint the future you wanted right now, picket fence, a house, kids, a cat and some other very random stuff. 

                                 LETTER FROM A WOMANIZER

 I applaud you for that but maybe you should have taken a second look at my profile picture and taken time to read my profile. Nothing serious really meant nothing serious. I wasn’t looking for someone to hold my hand and walk with me into the sunset, I was looking for someone who would be lying naked by my side at sunrise. Someone I would watch and admire as the sunrays through the window kisses her skin while I get ready to go to work, hoping that we could do this some other time. Going to the movies alone can be somewhat boring, and sometimes going with my male friends or co-workers for the 100th time becomes monotonous like working in a cookie cutter factory. I wanted a friend with benefits, no strings attached, no expectations but you came with all the strings, asking me for my responses in certain situations. Nobody wants a date to feel like an Oprah interview, certainly not me.

Secondly, I don’t know if anyone has ever told you but you have a real anger problem, you spent half of the date, picking offenses with all the waiters and even the couple who sat behind you. The waiters were clearly dumb but on a first date it’s not very appropriate to come off as condescending and racist, it just rubbed me wrong and then you wouldn’t shut up about Jamie. Originally I thought Jamie was your close girl friend or God Forbid, your ex but in retrospect I would have preferred that Jamie was either of them and not some hybrid feline. Like I said, I’m allergic to cats, not the clinical kind of allergy but just the logical kind, that just believes cats and humans have nothing to do with each other and I believe cats are pissed that they have become some kind of prop in our narcissistic lives.
I hope you conquer your demons but I wouldn’t want to be any part of that. The reason I’m writing this letter is because I suddenly lost your number with a self-erasing app  that was recently installed on my phone (okay I’m just trying to be civil) and believe me if I run into you and pretend that I didn’t see you. Take good care of yourself and please chop off those bangs, they are hideous.

Thursday 31 July 2014

Make your butt bigger through these sex positions


make your butt bigger, Lifestyle, sex
Making your butt bigger through sex is contestable, and somewhat laughable but still, a lot of people swear by it,  and claim that some sexual positions can help you get a bigger butt. Making your butt bigger through sex is simply exercising your glutes and getting an orgasm alongside well toned and bigger butts.


RELATED: 10 BUTT ENHANCEMENT CREAMS THAT YOU CAN TRY 

Sex in itself is a form of exercise, except you’re laying there like a log of wood while your partner gets at it, doing all the work.  And just like every  other exercise, it is expected to add a little muscle here and there, tone the body and get  you your desired body.

RELATED: HOW TO HAVE SEX

 
 But does sex really make your butt bigger? The answer is yes, but sex is not a ” magic pill” for bigger butts.  As a matter of fact, sex is not going to do half of what typical butt exercises would do. The plus side  however  is  that, after sex with the right person you feel loved, refreshed, exhausted, happy and every other emotion in between whereas after a butt workout, you feel your buns on fire and the more they hurt, the more vain you feel . 

All sex is not sex, so not all sexual positions would make you butt bigger, but here are a few sexual positions that people unanimously agree can add a little bit of junk in the trunk.

                      SETTING UP A HOME GYM WITH LESS THAN $1000

1. The Torrid Triangle.

make your butt bigger, Lifestyle, sexThis is a super-hot remix of the old missionary position. In this position, the giver is on his knees and the wide receiver is at the bottom faced up. The back stays in the air and the head may be supported by a pillow. The receiver controls the thrusts while still giving the giver, the impression that he runs the show . By the power lifting of the receiver’s pelvis, the receiver is placed in charge of the timing and speed of every single thrust and as long as the receiver stays in control, the receiver can also control the depth of penetration. 

This sex position makes the butt bigger for both sexual partners especially the receiver who has to engage the glutes in controlling the thrusts.

The giver  works his  glutes , the hamstrings and abs as well.

2. Reverse Cowgirl:

make your butt bigger, Lifestyle, sex
This is the closest sex position to horseback riding and the reason the mechanical bulls were made. It provides a full workout for the receiver’s butts, abs and arms. Both cowgirl where the partners face each other and reverse cowgirl where the partners face the same direction are very effective for a good body workout as described by commendable sex manuals and can make the receiver’s butt bigger.

 RELATED:                       WAYS TO MAKE YOUR BUTT BIGGER

3. Standing suspension.

make your butt bigger, Lifestyle, sex
This is an actually challenging position for the giver, because he has to do a lot of lifting engaging his core, butt, hamstrings and thighs, the receiver has to work the leg muscles, the glutes and core  when standing on one leg with them facing each other. So apart from the glutes which are worked on a secondary basis, the leg muscles and core are worked hard which helps to shape the butt and in turn make it look bigger.

4. Bridge

This sex position is a good workout for the receiver. Hands on the floor, belly up and the use of the four limbs to hold the body weight off the bed or floor. This sex position would make your butt bigger but it is not for the weak.
make your butt bigger, Lifestyle, sex
Good Luck with this


These are the commonest sex positions to make your butt bigger, however having sex just to make your butt bigger is laughable.

READ

How to grow your butt Naturally Now

The fastest way to guarantee a bigger butt would be to combine all efforts  such as using sex, doing butt exercises and using butt enhancement creams.

Sunday 15 June 2014

Foods that Cause Acne

Foods that cause Acne
foods that cause acneMost people plagued with Acne tend to use lots of acne fighting products, while some work perfectly, it seems the effect is usually for a little while until the acne comes back and becomes even worse then what it was initially. Apart from some of the manufacturers of these products making a product that promotes total dependence on the products, in some cases the return of acnes and pimples is usually due to the continued  exposure to the initial trigger.
CURE FOR PIMPLES
There are a million things that trigger acne and pimples, such as dirt, hormones and skin conditions. A major cause of acne however is food. There are a ton of foods that cause acne. These foods that cause acne do so mainly because they cause an immediate increase in oil secretion (sebum) in the body and sometimes even hormonal imbalance. If you find yourself constantly battling with acne, it’s time to take a step and change your diet alongside other acne treatments..




What are the foods that cause acne? 



1. FRENCH FRIES

foods that cause acneFrench Fries ranks as the leader of the culprit as far as foods that cause acne are concerned. This is a good way of knowing which McDonald staff has been helping himself or herself to the left over French fries at the end of the day. Even though French fries can be very tasty especially when loaded with salt and other fat inducing seasonings, if you are suffering from a chronic case of acne, skip the fries! It is also pertinent to note that French fries in itself has nothing to do with the French. It is just that Americans always like name tagging everything, French Fries are actually Belgian. While a lot of people still argue that French fries and a lot of other greasy foods would not cause acne, as a person battling with acne, it is better safe than sorry. All greasy foods fall into this category, pizzas, pancakes, tacos, popcorns, processed foods, bagels, cheese, cheese burgers, bologna, bacon, oysters and shrimps. Laying off all these completely might be impossible, but controlling your intake might help combat acne.

                      RELATED: FOODS THAT MAKE YOUR BUTT BIGGER

2. DAIRY PRODUCTS

foods that cause acne
Is dairy causing your acne?
Milk as well as other dairy products contain components related to the hormone testosterone that may stimulate oil glands in the skin, setting the stage for acne. If you’ve been battling with acne, it is advisable to cut out dairy products from your meal and see how that affects it. Dairy products have been long suggested to be among foods that cause acne. You can then go on to reduce your dairy products intake while sourcing for your protein and calcium from other food sources like chicken and broccoli respectively.

foods that cause acne3. OILS

Cooking oils like vegetable oils and even canola oil contain fatty acids that produce a lot of inflammation in the body which can show up on the skin.  To counter this, cook with coconut oil, olive oil and reduce buying fried foods from restaurants as they use the cheapest oil and reuse it over and over again. Eat salmon and mackerel and take fish oil supplements.

Sunday 11 May 2014

Male Facial

Male Facial
This is the concluding part of the male facial grooming series.

7. CLAY MASK

Male facial grooming, Male facials, Lifestyle, Health, The greatest challenge of a clay mask for a man is actually getting to put it on and not be seen . Clay masking is something that can be done in 10 minutes early in the morning. Clay is very effective in toxin extraction, it removes dead skin  , unclog pores , extracts excess oil and shine, it also helps cellular regeneration.  A recommended clay mask is Aztec Secrets made of 100% natural calcium bentonite clay. Do not use clay with any additives, fragrances or animal products and definitely do not exercise with a clay mask or sleep with it still on, put on for 10 minutes, meditate, get up and wash it off. No one has to know.
Male facial grooming, Male facials, Lifestyle, Health,
Except you are Micheal Buble , then you can post it on Instagram

8.  SHAVING CREAM

Male facial grooming, Male facials, Lifestyle, Health,
Shave from top to bottom not from the the centre
Using a shaving cream when shaving is as old as time.  Most guys get razor bumps when shaving cream is not used to shave . Gel based shaving cream are the best for preventing stubble from drying out and easing the shaving process by providing a cushion between the skin and the razor. Nivea for Men Q10 Energy Shaving Gel is one of the best shaving creams out there, that is not excessively thick  like some other shaving creams which in turn makes it even more difficult to shave with. It is not advisable to shave daily, it is important to let your facial skin rest  for at least 2 days before shaving again. Shave with three days intervals.

9. AFTER SHAVE

Male facial grooming, Male facials, Lifestyle, Health,
Apply Aftershave, then admire
yourself in the mirror.
After shaves are mainly therapeutic moisturizing treatment  intended to soothe and protect  the facial skin from shaving irritation and razor burn.  After shaves are supposed to be  alcohol free formula  and the good ones such as Baxter of California After Shave Balm, hydrates and nourishes  the facial skin as it combats the serious dryness caused by shaving. It contains  Glycerin and organic silicones combine with soothing aloe and allantoin  and Natural healing ingredients such as tea tree oil and cooling menthol to renew, calm, and condition the facial skin also to  help  reduce shaving irritation. 


10. LIP BALM


One of the major turn offs on a man’s face is chapped lips. Male facials would not be complete or done at all without including a lip balm for smooth , soft  and good looking lips. The skin on the lips is very different from the facial skin because the skin of the lips lacks oil glands to regulate moisture content as well as melanin to shield the sun. These makes the lips naturally susceptible to dryness, cracking and scaling. Use Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Lip Moisturizer
Male facial grooming, Male facials, Lifestyle, Health,
Leave it to Japanese Men to apply lip balm
on the streets.#Someone'snotgettinglaid.

11. SUNSCREEN

During the Summers, a sunscreen might be one of the best accessories for men’s facial skin. The greatest clarion call for sunscreen would be that of Hugh Jackman  who is presently recovering from yet another skin cancer scare. Saying ”Please don’t be foolish like me, get yourself checked and wear sunscreen”. Fact is our environment is constantly polluted way more than it was decades ago and  so the need to protect the facial skin from toxic gases and pollutants has become much more necessary than ever. Jack Black Sun Guard Sunscreen is the most recommended and Bald Guyz Sunscreen is also very good for bald guys.
Male facial grooming, Male facials, Lifestyle, Health,
Now he applies sunscreen indoors.

 12.  FACE TONER

Black heads, dirt and other skin impurities can all be gone with the use of a good toner, primarily on the face.  Toners with salicylic acids like Neutrogena Rapid clear are the most recommended.
In order of priority, here are the male facial treatments, again.
1. Facial wash
2. Moisturizer
3. Sunscreen
4. Lip balm
5. Clay Mask
6. Facial Scrub
7. Pills
8. Facial Toner
9. Shaving Cream
Male facial grooming, Male facials, Lifestyle, Health,
Get that perfect look you always wanted,
you might also need a little
photoshop with all the
the facial treatments 
10. Aftershave
11. Eye cream
12. Male Facial Hair removal

Thursday 8 May 2014

Sex Positions to help get pregnant

Positions to get pregnant
Get pregnant, Health, sex, safe sex,When trying to conceive,  a lot of issues and myths come into play about preferable sexual positions to get pregnant. While most of them are not scientifically proven, some experts and pregnant women swear by certain sexual positions to quickly get a bun in the oven faster than others. Sex is the most important activity when you are trying to get pregnant. However, when you have sex in relation to the woman’s menstruation day is also very important. How you have sex is the least important of those three. How you have sex might not be as important as whom you have sex with (Some guys  keep shooting blanks ) but it’s more important than where you have sex in order to get pregnant.  Where you have sex is totally irrelevant for now until someone comes up with another myth and gets an interview on daytime television. It however sucks for a child to discover he was conceived at the backseat of an old mustang.  
                         HOW TO HAVE SEX |     GET PREGNANT

What are the best sex positions to get pregnant?1. Missionary

Get pregnant, Health, sex, safe sex,
There is a reason this position is called missionary position. A missionary is someone sent to a foreign country to do mostly religious work which is expected to yield fruits. Missionary position is where the male is on top and the female is on her back receiving the good work of the male which is expected to yield fruits. Missionary is the oldest sexual position and is also widely regarded as the most decent. Back in the olden days, missionary was the commonest sex position and to some the only sexual position and the world population has steadily increased  since then- Thanks to good old missionary. The key here is to ensure deep penetration , a pillow might come in handy somewhere under the woman to ensure that they work with gravity ( which is totally a myth that simply has a placebo effect.) A Deep penetration would reduce the distance the swimmers have to travel before they find a good egg.

Get pregnant, Health, sex, safe sex,

2. Doggy style


Just like the name implies, this is the only style most animals especially dogs use and they get pregnant and litter the world with much more animals. The doggy style ensures deep penetration good for conception and has been getting women and girls pregnant since it was founded. The only problem here is , most times you might not remember who the father is. 

3. Glowing Triangle

Get pregnant, Health, sex, safe sex,
Glowing triangle is a modification of missionary position in which the ladies legs are bent to ensure deeper penetration and to work with gravity alongside maximum clitoris stimulation to ensure the lady gets knocked up in no time.

4. Magic Mountain

Magic Mountain is a modification of the doggy style. The mountain here, being a bunch of pillows for the lady to rest her chest on while her rear end is left at the mercies of a baby maker. Deep penetration is guaranteed. Magic mountain is a good sex position to get pregnant.

Get pregnant, Health, sex, safe sex,

 Certain points are also  very crucial when it comes to sex positions to get pregnant. 
What are these crucial points for sex to get pregnant?
1. Being Stress Free
3. Orgasm:  Orgasms opens up and dilates the  cervix, lubricates the  vagina and makes the uterus and vagina contract. All these factors put together are the perfect recipe for baby making. And when the pregnancy finally comes here are positions to ensure you still have great fun.

Friday 2 May 2014

Kenya Polygamy Law, WTF?

Polygamy in Kenya,  WTF?
Yet another messed  up Law emanating from Africa and this time, it is not the Anti-gay Bill, or some bill from Nigeria proposing to send public smokers to 6 months in Jail.  This time it is from Kenya and is a polygamous law. This is practically taking the sister wives show from the television into the homes of people. Kenya is where our dearly beloved Lupita Nyong’o is from and is where the large African safari is. It is also the home country of Barack Obama. The country’s president Uhuru Kenyatta has signed into law a controversial marriage bill legalizing polygamy. This means that a married man would be allowed to take more than one wife without consulting existing spouse. There is however no specified limit to the number of wives to be taken by a man. In islam, men are allowed to take four wives.

The female MPS in the parliament had walked out in disgust after their male counterparts had voted through the amendments which was rather less than smart, as we would have expected that the female MPS would immediately start working on creating a polyandry bill. 

                                     UGANDA BE KIDDING ME

The law also says a woman is entitled to equal share of what the couple acquired during the marriage which would be given to her upon divorce. This would however lead to confusion when 4 wives have to share what a man has when he dies or when the four wives get tired of his male genital odor.

The Christian leaders, who are always late to the party, opposed the law claiming it would affect the family and the financial position of the other spouses while undermining the Christian principles and then they went back into their churches and did nothing about it. “The tone of that bill, if it becomes law, would be demeaning to women since it does not respect the principle of equality of spouses in the institution of marriage,” Archbishop Timothy Ndambuki, from the National Council of Churches of Kenya had said before it was signed into law.

This is however still better than Nigeria’s child marriage law, since girls have to be at least 18 to get married, so there is still no room for pedophiles. 
The law abolished traditional marriages, and enforces the payment of bride price as well as  not recognizing cohabiting which in Kenya is known as  “come-we –stay”. 

Now the real implications of this law 
1. This is the greatest misogynist law, since the law the prohibited women from voting. This means a man can easily cheat with any woman he deems fit while still married. It would be practically impossible for a man to just marry a woman ,so that they can be intimate. For a man to marry a woman there has to be the wooing and dating period. So while he stays married, a man can go out of his matrimonial home at any time to prepare to take a second wife. It happens all the time but this time, he would have the backing of the law.



2. The Kenyan’s president has just signed into the law, the fact that his daughter would one day be second fiddle to another man.

3. Raising a child in a polygamous African Family is one of the worst things that can happen to a child after rape , accident  and sicknesses, all of which have a higher probability of occurring in a polygamous family.

4. Someday, if Lupita marries a Kenyan man in Kenya, she’s going to be a second wife.
Lupita kenya polygamy law
Just look ar her, in all her second wife glory.
5. If Barack and Michelle had married in Kenya, America could have to deal with two first ladies. (Not sure how that would work)

Read  The Witness Wore Red: The 19th Wife Who Brought Polygamous Cult Leaders to Justice


Wednesday 30 April 2014

MALE FACIAL GROOMING

Male Facial Grooming
Lifestyle, Male facial grooming, Male facials, Moisturizer for MenLooking at a picture of a much older relative (uncle for short) really justified the need for male facial grooming. He had received an  all fresh farm goat milk soap as a Christmas present among other things from his daughter. His face was looking smoother and evenly toned than it normally would, devoid of the sunburn and dark skin patches that had long plagued his face.

Men grooming is an age long practice and male beauty is actually a thing, from as far back as Ancient Greece. Men were expected to put their best face forward, be well groomed and kempt. In Ancient Greece the woman’s body was not liked , it had to be covered, whereas the male  body was considered neat and clean and was put on coins, made as statures and even idolized. In this modern time, the secret to good male facial grooming is “the secret”.

 Men don’t have to fix male facial dates or read cosmopolitan and bitch about their menstrual cycles not being in sync, while their legs are dipped in essential oils water , while still  watching Real house wives that had been DVRed for customers in  the salon.

 Men can simply go online, read shitty blogs like this one and get a DIY Kit and put their best face forward, except of  course, these men are celebrities, then they can simply have their companies handle the  deep frying of their  jerry curls (think  Jermane Jacksun) or they are Queers (Queers always get the pass for everything) or they are queer celebrities.(Hi, Adam Lambert).

How to go about Male Facial Grooming - The 12 Steps of Male Facial Grooming.

Male Facial grooming can be broken down into 12 male facial items, just like the 12 steps of AA.

1. FACE WASH.

Washing your face with typical toilet soaps is like taking paracetamol for every ache and pain, there are products that are specifically made for specific issues and all in one soaps are usually not worth their weight. Good Face wash would moisturize as it cleanses and would not strip the face off natural oils. Cetaphil is the most recommended Face wash, even Pharell Williams the ageless music producer swears by it. He gets happy like a room without a roof with Cetaphil (Endorsement deal booting….). Wash not more than twice a day, morning and night.

Lifestyle, Male facial grooming, Male facials, Moisturizer for Men
Just Look at Him with the CetaPhil Shine.

2. FACIAL SCRUB

Using a Facial Scrub is recommended once or twice a week, preferably weekends, where you can spend a little more time in the bathroom. Channel the masturbation time to facial scrubbing and genital intimate wash. Kyoku for Men Exfoliating Facial Scrub, Alba Botanica Sea Algae Enzyme Scrub and Nivea for Men Energy Face Scrub are the most recommended facial scrub for men. The main job of a facial scrub is exfoliation. Exfoliation is the removal of dead skin cells, blackheads which would in turn free ingrown hairs, prevent blemishes, and remove excess oils. Although these facial scrubs are very effective, exfoliation can also be done with some natural products like Honey and Sugar.
Lifestyle, Male facial grooming, Male facials, Moisturizer for Men
This is why the West has  Higher Water Consumption.

3. MOISTURIZER

The skin is in a constant state of Moisture loss from activities like heat exposure, washing and scrubbing the face. A moisturizer is very important to restore the skin’s moisture content. The positive effects of moisturizing are usually in the long run, when aging starts. Moisturizing would slow down skin aging, which is one of the benefits of male facial grooming. Jack Black Double-Duty Face Moisturizer is about the best moisturizer in the market, Neutrogena Men is also high up in the ranks
Lifestyle, Male facial grooming, Male facials, Moisturizer for Men
That's Kinda too much for just one spot.

4. PILLS

Vitamin E drops are for not only male facial grooming but for improved  overall skin health as it helps fight the effects of sun damage and prevent wrinkles. Vitamin A and C  are also very important. Vitamin A for acne and dry skin prevention and Vitamin C for  improved skin elasticity and strength. The Daily recommended dose for Vitamin A is 900 μg for Men (700 μg for women) while for Vitamin E is 400UI or 15mg and  vitamin  C is 90mg per day. Taking supplements continuously is not advisable, depending on the quality of the supplements, some supplements can lead to toxin build up. Take a break sometimes and get your vitamins naturally. Vitamin A occurs naturally in cereal and milk, Vitamin C in fruits, Vitamin E in Olive Oils and Papaya. Before adding supplements to your daily routine always check with your doctor. You might want to leave out the male facial grooming part.
Lifestyle, Male facial grooming, Male facials, Moisturizer for Men
The more colourful, your supplement rack is , the better.

                                                MALE GENITAL ODOR ELIMINATION

5. EYE CREAM

You might not want to put cucumbers over your eyes while sleeping but you can simply use an eye cream to reduce fine lines, dark circles and wrinkles or what is otherwise known as raccoon eyes which results from excessive drinking and staying up at night. You can simply save the money to be spent on an effective eye cream like Yalmeh super youth eye cream and instead get enough sleep and less alcohol or buy the eye cream and party anyway #YOLO. Dark patches under the eyes can also be as a result of stress,aging and vitamin K deficiency. The dark patches are actually blood vessels beneath the skin due to thinning of the skin layers. The best bet for raccoon eyes would be to double up on vegetables like broccoli, cabbage, cucumber,dark leafy greens and pretty much anything green and tasteless.

Lifestyle, Male facial grooming, Male facials, Moisturizer for Men
Turn down for what? ,Who cares about  Raccoon eyes, Eye cream to the rescue.

6. MALE FACIAL HAIR REMOVAL

A very important step in male facial grooming is male facial hair removal. Male Beauty is largely dependent on beautiful skin with the shape of the head accentuated with facial hair. Having facial hair busting out of every orifice of your face would make you look like a fugitive except of course it is for religious reasons (then you get a pass from your religious community). Brow shaping, beard shaving and styling and nose hair pulling is vital for male facial grooming. You can go to a salon to have your eyebrows pulled out, shaped (you lose masculine points if you  squeal or become teary eyed) or buy yourself a facial hair trimming kit and just do it.

Lifestyle, Male facial grooming, Male facials, Moisturizer for Men
The only way your brows are gonna look
like this


Lifestyle, Male facial grooming, Male facials, Moisturizer for Men
is by doing this.










“Remember you might not be able to fight World Hunger except you have $30 Billion per Year, or end the war in Syria or get the housewives  and kardashians off the air, but you can make the world a better place by being an eye candy and make the day of those who site you.”
                                                                                    Narcissism 101